Steph's Suitcase

What's going on in Steph's life and her random musings... for anyone who gives a monkey.

Thursday, September 05, 2002

Ok, here's yet another post from me. There's been this fly that won't leave our room. I've tried to kill it but it won't settle down. I've come close twice. It's so frustrating because it keeps landing on me. The power went out today and it took out the whole campus. It sucked because I was in the middle of engineering homework on the computer with my group and we hadn't saved and we were done. Now we have to meet again and do it all over again. My floor was so dark that I couldn't see my door and I had to count them and feel for mine and then feel for the lock. For some reason the other floors weren't as dark. People had flashlights everywhere. Right now Neal is playing football. After our movie he was looking out the window at those playing and was distracted. He wasn't paying attention to anything and he put on something just to keep me occupied. I wish he had said something to me, like told me he wanted to play. I know I wouldn't play, but he doesn't have to feel obligated to have me in his room all the time. I don't want him to not be his own person. Janet taught me that. I love Neal for who he is, and I don't want him to be me. If he turned into me, I'd have to break up with him. I keep encouraging him to do things with others, and while it's at the sacrifice of me and while I'm not doing any of it, I don't care. I want him to be happy with friends. I can deal with only a few friends. I'm busy anyway, so I'm not missing out on anything really. I have friends and that's all I need for now. I'd rather have Neal happy and be himself. Yamil asked if he was still "woped" and Neal said yes. I'm still not clear on the meaning, but I don't think it's something good. However, I was still sad when Neal wasn't paying attention to me. Some days I'm just not in the mood for anything, but today I woke up with a purpose in mind and he doesn't feel like anything. I woke up today and it was weird because I was just struck by how strongly I feel for Neal and it was amazing. But anyway, I digress. I just wanted to say that word. That's how things are as of now.

The crazy lady came back today. She's part of Campus Crusade for Christ. Marie was with her. I said that I had a long day and had to do calc homework (not lies) so I wasn't going to go. Erinn went though. She's not back yet, so I don't know how it is, but I'd rather not join. I believe in God and all, but I would really prefer to do it on my own time.

Ugh, I'm in such a mode! I'm watching Neal play football. Every day there are some people playing. Now they are just throwing it back and forth because it's dark and there are only 5 of them left. Neal just doesn't seem to be the type for football, being skinny and all (especially weighing the same as me). I feel like such a fatty. Oh gosh, the depression is coming again. I can feel it. I don't really know the source. I think it's because I gained some weight. Weight gain always makes me depressed. I can't eat anymore, but I have this stupid meal plan to use. I can't eat 14 meals in a week, it's insane. Ugh, this whole football thing is really bothering me, too. I'm discussing it with John and I guess I acted the way I should have by letting Neal do what he wanted, but I feel like he wasn't interested in me today. Lately I've been feeling like he's less interested in me, and I've noticed it has been since the weight gain. It hurts, but I don't know what to do about it. At least I'm not crying.


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