Steph's Suitcase

What's going on in Steph's life and her random musings... for anyone who gives a monkey.

Friday, September 13, 2002

I went to the counselor today. His name is Larry Wall. He basically told me that I have catastrophic anxiety disorder or something to that effect of the name. Basically I worry about something I don't need to worry about, and when I worry about it I turn it into the worst thing possible. I was really scared to talk to him, and I almost ditched the appointment. He spouted out a lot of stuff from the counseling website, word for word. And he tried to help me by proving to me why it was silly to think Neal would cheat on me, but it made me so sad thinking about it I wanted to cry, and it made me really scared and so I kept playing with my hands and such. I couldn't look at him and I wanted to look away and not focus on it. He made me go through with what I'd do if Neal cheated on me, so I had to tell him how I'd react and that made it worse because I had to actually think about the consequences. He helped a little because I guess it is silly to worry about it, but he also didn't help by the way he did it. I'm supposed to go every week until I'm getting better, but he's not around next week so my next session is in 2 weeks. He doesn't think he'll need to put me on drugs, unless this keeps up. He also said that when I was younger I somehow learned that if I show someone I'm suffering, then whatever is bothering me will go away. So basically I try to make myself suffer when I'm upset about something by thinking about it a whole lot and not trying to help it, because I think that someone will take pity on me and help me or something. This surprised me, because it's true and I had never really thought about that.

I went to Walmart and the mall. The mall is TINY, but I did get some cool necklaces, cool pants, and stuff for Neal's birthday present. And I got me vitamins at Walmart. Right now Marie has them because she had to drop me off so I could work on mathematica and she hasn't come back from the mall yet. :( And Neal is either working on mathematica or having fun without me. I started worrying like 2 minutes ago about what if he left for Breakers without me (it's a beach). He didn't tell me the time they were leaving, so I don't know what's up and now I keep thinking about it when I shouldn't be. I'm supposed to think it through and prove to myself logically that he didn't leave without me. He would look for me. Yeah, but I still can't help worrying. If he did leave without me, I guess I'd deal with it and then yell at him when he came back. Actually, I wanted to go bowling and play pool today which is free between 8 and 10 just for today, but he doesn't seem to want to. :(

Guess what! I joined the fencing club (not officially yet) and I'm going to have free lessons. Lessons have already started, but they said I could just jump right in, so now I'm going to see if anyone wants to come with me. Hopefully it'll help me lose weight. I missed dinner today and I lost 1 1/2 lbs that way, but I'm hungry so I know I'm going to gain it back. This is bad, because I gain 1/2 lb every day... NOOOOOOOO!!!

Today at lunch a guy was running around with a monitor on his head and it was really funny. If he had been anywhere else, he'd have gotten beat up.


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