Steph's Suitcase

What's going on in Steph's life and her random musings... for anyone who gives a monkey.

Friday, September 13, 2002

Neal's been such a jerk lately, or something. Remember when I said I was afraid that Neal left without me for Breakers? Well, at 9 I went up to his room to see what was up because I hadn't heard from him. I knocked on his door but there was no answer, so I asked a guy a couple doors down if he knew where either Matt or Neal were. The guy said he thought they went to Breakers with some guys and I said, "Oh great, they were supposed to take me." Well, I went down back to my room but I was crying really bad, like face scrunched up and everything. This was EXACTLY what I worried about, which didn't make it better at all. Well, Marie and Erinn returned and of course I couldn't let Erinn see me cry but I told her what happened and I've been ranting about it since. I told her that I'm not stable and that I get depressed and such. Well, I went back up there and wrote a note on his door being sarcastic and saying that it was wonderful that he left me behind. Very sarcastic, no way to miss it. I should have told him he ruined my therapy, because that's what he did. I did everything I thought I'd do, and my therapist said wouldn't happen. Thanks very much, Neal. I cried again on the way downstairs, and I keep thinking about it and making me suffer just as the therapist says I do. I can't stop thinking about it and it keeps making me cry, because I'm so mad. This is worse than last time, because he invited me to this but then never came and got me. I TOLD him I'd be in my room, I did! I can't believe he did that! His parents say he does this often, but really. How could he forget this when he invited me? If one of his friends were on, I'd talk to him and ask them if he has been saying anything about me lately, or if he does this often. I was FINALLY over my distrust too (because of my worry and fear) and now he has to build it all up again since he couldn't keep our plans. Here I go crying again. He says that when I cry he feels bad, but he isn't helping it any. He better have a good reason for this, because he didn't leave a message or anything on my door if he came by earlier. I've been in the room since 7, and I left him around 6:30 or so, and he wasn't done yet, so I didn't think I missed him. There's no way I can logically tell myself not to worry about this, because it happened like I thought it would. My therapy doesn't help with this at all. This just convinced me even more of my disorder though, since I dealt with it exactly the way I thought I would, and it makes me trust less what he claims. He says that even though I think the worse will happen and that I wouldn't be able to bear it, I can't. Well, I'm bearing it, but I'm very angry and very very sad and disappointed in Neal because he was a jerk. Now therapy is going to take even longer since I can't believe what he says. He was just proven wrong.


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