Steph's Suitcase

What's going on in Steph's life and her random musings... for anyone who gives a monkey.

Monday, September 30, 2002

Awww! I helped John and Jessa get together!!! It's a long story, but it's so cute!

Song of the day ~ Wonderful Waste by The Verve Pipe

Sunday, September 29, 2002

I've become a nag and it sucks. If I didn't get so worried and didn't have a reason to worry, I wouldn't need to nag!

My room isn't a mess anymore because I was FINALLY able to get the vacuum! It took me 5 tries. Erinn is such a mess and I'm glad I could clean it up. I'm still having weight problems, which really sucks. I'm going to go for a walk today with Neal. He better do his homework, too. Neal slept over for the past 2 nights since Erinn is at home, and I noticed very little sleep talking. Of course, Friday night he couldn't sleep (and neither could I for some reason) but last night we both slept well. He talked about 1 thing last night which I can't remember, and the night before he mentioned belts and how I breathe annoyingly (which I think he was awake for). Anyway, I think it might have something to do with the elevation since he has a loft but I don't and I'm on the bottom.

I've been reading the book that Larry gave me, and I found the root of my worries. It's too private to even write here though. I just hope I can overcome it.

Song of the day ~ Bring Me Down by Puddle of Mudd

Saturday, September 28, 2002

Steph has decided that she's additced to Sobe. She's had every flavor but one, and the caps are just awesome.

Song of the day ~ You Can Still Be Free by Savage Garden

Friday, September 27, 2002

Today I found out that my catastrophizing thing is called "anticipatory anxiety." I apparently also have "anticipatory anger." You know how I have a strong sense of justice and fairness? Well the whole anger thing means that when I feel someone has violated my moral sense of right and wrong, I feel like I have the right to punish them for it because I feel like my morals are law. I think that's exaggerating it a bit, but it does make sense. So I think people have done that and I anticipate getting angry and that makes me even angrier than I normally would. He gave me a book to read for next time about controlling anxiety. I'm supposed to take notes. I think that's all I learned this time around.

Today hasn't been that great of a day so far. Once again I cried.

Yesterday I checked the mail 6 times, which has got to be a record for me. I'm anxious to receive the 2 cds I ordered. Maybe I'll get them today. My philosophy exam blew my butt. I barely finished in time. I have my second counseling meeting today, and I'm afraid. I hope it goes well. Erinn's going home today and coming back late Saturday night so I'll actually have the room to myself. Yes!

Song of the day ~ Blade Runner by Jean Michel Jarre

Thursday, September 26, 2002

Well, Alli seems to be obsessed with the word WHOO which should be without an h, thank you very much. Woo. Not whoo. It's 51 degrees and it rained AGAIN! I'm sick of rain. My lab practical went ok... I got over my initial anger at not being told things and at being lied to. Um, there was a guy preaching in the middle of campus, and a guy in my chem lab who I was walking with and talking to decided that next time he was going to set up a booth next to the preacher and preach about chemistry. Yeah, you can definitely tell we're a tech college.

Song of the day ~ Junk Bond Trader by Elliot Smith

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

I got a package today from my family!!! It contained my snap-on shorts for when I will work out (I need to, desperately). I also got pretzels and craisins (yummy) and a stuffed dog (cute) and a cd burned from Alli (Thrice, very nice) and yummy smelling lotion and body wash. I was so excited! It got Erinn and I thinking- If you have once, twice, thrice, what's four? Fice? Anyway, lately Neal's been doing some magic. Everytime we wonder where he is, he appears like 2 seconds later. It's quite freaky. I took a nap and set my computer to play a song at 6:50 to wake me up because I was supposed to work on Mathematica at 7, but it didn't work. Erinn woke me up at 7:05 and I'm like, "crap!" Now I'm sending Melissa Pi over aim but it's going to take about 375 minutes. Anyway, I did situps, crunches, and pushups today because I haven't in like 4 days and I gained weight again.

To my fellow bloggers:
Alli, Alli, Alli. *shakes head* It's per se. Latin, you know. Through myself/himself/herself/themselves/whatever. You need to update more. And do explain this brains falling out thing. You need to keep us posted more, you hardly update and what the heck is up with Steve? A red rose? That stands for love! He probably just chose it because of the typical rose, not for the meaning. Don't forget to send pictures.
Liz, someone needs to stop being sick and update more. That would be you.
Jessa, your latest poem is very good!
To the non-bloggers out there:
You guys need to join the club, especially Laura! Or perhaps Janet since she's never online.

Ah, today the sweet cold and rain. How typical. We waltzed today at dance and it was fun. I was reminded of Shall We Dance. i got a 96 on my calc II exam!!!! I got 1 point off for putting one of the answers in fraction form instead of decimal (stupid...) and then 3 off for putting x^3 instead of x^-3. Whoops... but I did the integral right so that's why I got most of the points. Other than that, I would have a perfect paper. Grrrr. Tomorrow I have my lab practical in chem, and I'm really nervous because I don't know anything.

Song of the day ~ Uninvited by Alanis Morissette

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

There was a totally random fire drill today. The alarm went on and off for a minute then stopped. A bunch of people left the building, but most ignored it. We smelled something burning, and had been smelling it all day but no fire trucks came or anything so who knows what was up.

Today calculus kicked my butt, so I borrowed Neal's notes and now only half of it is kicking my butt. Mathlab was actually easy, so I have like another half hour to spend on it and then that's it. Neal took the only washing machine open, so I had to wait half an hour for 2 to open up. I forgave him because his clothes were stinky from the rain yesterday. Then he took the only open dryer, so I yoinked his extra space and stuck my clothes in too. So now I have one of his socks, but oh well. He can come get it any time. Erinn and I hung out at the campus cafe and I saw my engineering teacher there and it was freaky. He looks like Doogie Houser, and he always wears tweed coats. Right now I'm chillin' in my room, which is sort of cold because we had the door open and all our heat escaped. Earlier it was perfect. :( I'm wearing my new long sleeve shirt, and it's so comfortable!!!

Song of the day ~ All Kinds of Talk by Karlophone

Monday, September 23, 2002

I forgot to say that Mike and Chris actually came to chem today. Chris fell asleep and we ended 10 minutes early but we couldn't wake him up. I kicked him, tried tickling him, yelled in his ear, etc. I left after 5 minutes since we still couldn't wake him and I let Mike deal with him. Later I went to the mall and Walmart with Marie, Erinn, and Neal. At Walmart I bought a Snickers but the lady didn't put it in my bag so I gyped .78 for a king size! That made me so mad. I also bought some sweatshirts, and at the mall I bought headphones with a long chord since my chord isn't long enough, and i bought more long sleeves and a pair of pants that I'm hoping won't shrink.

Ok, I did something stupid today. The doors leading out to the road from Fisher don't have any push things, so they are completely flat. I always end up pushing on the wrong side because of this, since it opens from the left out rather than the right out. Anyway, today I didn't notice it wasn't opening and I walked right into and bumped my nose hard enough to bring tears and I left a mark and I felt really stupid. During social dance the German dude picked me again, and so I didn't have fun. He only picks the Aryans, which is why on guys-pick days he goes straight for me. Whenever I can I sit away from him so he can't pick me, because he is not fun to dance with at all. We're not allowed to say no, which is frustrating. He can't carry the beat, and never does ANYTHING besides the basic move, so it's the most boring thing ever and I can't start anything because he's supposed to lead so I'm stuck being bored and I hate it. Grrrr... I wish Neal was in the class or at least willing to come to the Swing Dance nights with me. It's raining again, for like the bajillinth time.

Last night Neal was being very silly and I couldn't stop laughing. I got out of my chem class early today! WOO!! I had my calc II exam and it sucked. We could use the book and our notes, so I think I did relatively well on the integrals (but no calculator on that part) but the vectors really kicked my butt. Luckily there were only 3 of those.

Song of the day ~ Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry

Sunday, September 22, 2002

Ah, another funny story but not as funny as yesterday's. I slept in Neal's room again, and sometime in the morning he started sleep talking about something weird and I guess I was half asleep because I joined in and thought it was a normal conversation. I think his sleep talking is rubbing off on me. We finally finished watching the 10th Kingdom, and Neal calls it hidden porn, but he liked it. My engineering team ditched me at our meeting, so I went up to Kiel's room and he helped me with the ones I couldn't get. This weekend has been the best one EVER.

Song of the day ~ Losing My Religion by R.E.M. It was in my head ALL night.

Saturday, September 21, 2002

Today is Neal and I's 2 month anniversary. It's been pretty much a good day. I got a 96% on my chem exam. I spent an hour on it, out of a max of 4, and I only got 1 question wrong. I was so excited! This morning I had the weirdest conversation with Neal. I think he was half asleep.
"Super sex," said Neal.
"What?" I asked.
"I want super sex with you."
Then later...
"He's a pretty white cowboy, preppy"
"What?" I asked.
"You can't understand our slang?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The ones on TV."
"The TV hasn't been on."
"Are you awake?"
Then yet later on...
"What's the rest of the question?" asked Neal.
"What question?"
"The ones on the door."
"What are you talking about?"
I swear, that was the weirdest thing that has even happened to me, besides the one time Lauren slept walked and tried to convince me I had her pillow. Neal's been strange lately, focusing on my looks a lot more than my personality and now I'm wondering what's up. I need to talk to him about it.

Song of the day ~ Beautiful by Luna Halo

Friday, September 20, 2002

YAY! No more classes for today and after the hall social tonight I get to sleep in Neal's room for the rest of the weekend! YES! Alli, I do not say that eyeshadow is fun to wear. It's eye LINER that's fun, and only to put on. Ugh, it keeps raining. I had rained FAR too much here. Yesterday, today, lots of times last week... It's a bother. It makes things colder too.

Song of the day ~ Hash Pipe (Jimmy Pop Remix) by Weezer

Thursday, September 19, 2002

After my chem lab I had to walk all the way across campus with no coat in the pouring rain with a white shirt on... not fun.
Needless to say, I was trying not to be seen.

"I have long underwear that my mom bought me. And several sweatshirts and 1 winter goat." ~Me
"My long underwear is at home." ~Kim
"Ahhh, mine's silk and really soft." ~Me
"Your goat?" ~Kim

Let's see, so far today I got soaked in the rain (it ALWAYS rains here!) and then I hung out with a sleepy Neal. I had lunch after that and ate with Chris and Mike, filling them in on chem things they need to know (since they ditch). It was a fun time. Oh, and the ice cream was all nasty and tasted like sour milk (I didn't actually have any, this is what I was told) so Mike decided to eat some with ketchup and fries. It was so nasty seeing him do it, but it was really funny too. I'm continuing writing my saga for Neal. I've written 3 pages so far, and it's only convering a year of my life. Oh, and now I have to go to chem. ICKY lab.

Song of the day ~ Losing Grip by Avril Lavigne

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Hee hee, Erinn's cooking popcorn on the potato setting because she pushed the wrong button.

Let's see, today Neal apparently said "Go Braves!" in his sleep. Matt and I decided it was his secret plan, and that he was going to assassinate Matt with an axe. It was pretty funny. Matt fell asleep studying chemistry and he apparently didn't even know it. He woke up when he fell on the floor. I find that funny. I had a nice hour or so with Neal. We talked and it was nice, because we haven't really had too much time to do that lately, and when we have time we spend it other ways. I told him of some of my concerns, like if I'm clingy and such. I don't want to be clingy, since that's like a bad thing. I don't feel like I am, since I let Neal do things with his friends and I try to make sure he does his homework and all. And I don't have that many people to hang out with, so it's hard not to always be with Neal. It's just hard for me to make friends. I'm definitely going to the hall social, and I'm going to spend the weekend in Neal's room so I'm excited. Matt's going home or something, so he won't be around all weekend. However, the weekend is pretty busy with things to do.

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Let's see, yesterday I went to a volleyball game. They played to 30 points, which was odd. It was fun talking to some guy from Neal's hall about anime and such. I don't know his name, but apparently there's a HARO meeting Friday but there's a hall social half hour after so, so I don't know which to go to. I'm thinking of going to the HARO meeting. Neal wants me to go to the hall social, even though I'd get back later. I guess I'll see if Marie and Erinn are planning on going to the social. Saturday is going to be our 2 month anniversary! WOO! Man, I smell right now.

Song of the day ~ Iris Meadows by Big Bad Zero

Woo! No calc lab today so I got to skip it! I had to wake up early anyway though, for my advisor appointment about next semester. Basically he told me that I should have changed my cohort and taken cs1101 or whatever it's called, but I couldn't change my cohort because I didn't know how and there was no way I could fit cs1101 in my schedule. Then he said my philosophy class isn't a good choice because they want me to take 3 classes at the 3000 or 4000 level for my gen ed requirements but I couldn't since I didn't have the prerequisites and can't take the prereqs till next year, so I had to take a 2000 level. It's maddening because he blames it all on me when it's not my fault. He said he's going to ignore the problem right now (I have 3 2000 level courses and that means my next 2 must be 3000 or 4000). Of course, if I take more classes then I should be able to work it out. Next semester I have to take classes that was supposed to be in sophomore year anyway. Since I already have 17 credits, I'll get to register before most of my other freshman classmates which is awesome.

Song of the day ~ You're So Vain by Carly Simon

Monday, September 16, 2002

Ahh, my oral presentation in engineering went ok. Some of our pictures didn't show up, which sucked. I found out that the old system that Eric had that we borrowed for a few days was Atari, and that the game I was addicted to was Pitfall. That's the game where you had to swing on vines across a river with alligators. I was addicted to that game SO much and it's my absolute favorite. I was really good at it, too. Now I must find it and download it and an emulator. It's so weird, because it was like everyone's favorite too. Um, I'm really happy right now. WOO!

Let's see, today I fell asleep in my chem class and was woken up when there was an explosion from one of the demos. I was just so darn tired. In my social dance class we learned the polka, and it was just sooooo much fun! Now I can actually join the people polkaing when we go to Frankenmuth, instead of copying their moves from afar and looking like a dork. WOO! It was the funnest dance I've ever learned, and it's what drunks do apparently in bars. I don't know, but it's fun. I HAVE to teach Neal, once I find some polka music. I actually had heard of a few of the songs, and one of them was the kids song "Head shoulders knees and toes" so I sang along to it while I danced. Today in engineering we have our oral reports and my group doesn't know what we're doing, so it's going to be interesting BSing it.

Last night Neal FINALLY figured out the Master Plan. He says he likes the poem I wrote about it better than the clues I was giving letter by letter. I'm not sure why, but it's still cool. It was funny since every little thing I said fit and he couldn't believe he hadn't figured it out before. Now we just wait for it to happen, which I'm sure it will eventually. Not yet.

Song of the day ~ Copa Cabana by Barry Manilow

Sunday, September 15, 2002

Yesterday was a good day. I did homework while Neal played kickball in the rain, and then we hung out for a bit before going to The Reducers. That's was basically 3 guys taking 79 "Great Books" and summarizing them and making fun of them. It was so great, because I had read or seen 32 of them, and heard of even more. The Aeneid was on it!!! I was way pumped about that, but they were pronouncing the names wrong. Patroclus was "Patro Claus" like Santa Claus. Anyway, even Harry Potter was on it (the list, that is)!! I felt so nerdy that I could understand the jokes. It was SO funny though. Neal was laughing really hard and it was great because then we was smiling really nice a lot and it made him look very handsome. :) I then hung out in his room for a long time... went back to my room, then went back to his and slept over since Matt was in Andrea's room. It was too cold to really sleep well though, and I was afraid I was going to fall off the loft. Right now he's doing homework and being a bum and not responding to my IMs.

Song of the day ~ Tainted Love by Soft Cell

Saturday, September 14, 2002

So Neal came in around 10:30. Apparently he went bowling with a whole bunch of guys so he didn't go to Breakers, which made me feel a WHOLE lot better. He hadn't seen my sign on the door yet. I explained to him how I felt and such and while I did so, several times I almost broke down crying. Anyway, I forgive him for not telling me, although I had wanted to go bowling and he should have known since I said it so many times. We hung out in his room, and apparently a lot of people read the note I wrote to him on the board, including Matt, and they were all like "Oo, he's in trouble" for making me sad. I find that amusing, but I feel bad because I didn't know other people would decide to read it. So I guess the story spread. Anyway, things are all cool now, and my trust is back in Neal because the only reason it was gone was because I was given mistaken information. With all this said, things are cool now. Neal's not a jerk.

I'm especially happy that my period has FINALLY stopped so now I am back to normal.

Song of the day ~ My Dad's Gone Crazy by Eminem (it's been in my head all day yesterday)

Friday, September 13, 2002

Ok, so now I'm thinking, "What if Neal was told not to bring me but he didn't want to tell me that since he had already invited me?" That would suck. It wouldn't suck as much as it does now, because at least he'd have a reason, but if that's the case he should have still told me. I don't know why I wouldn't be allowed either, but I'd deal with it since I don't really know the people he supposedly went with. I'm crying again. Erinn had left so I felt free to cry, and then she came in again because Marie wasn't ready to watch their movie so she saw me with the tears and everything.

Neal's been such a jerk lately, or something. Remember when I said I was afraid that Neal left without me for Breakers? Well, at 9 I went up to his room to see what was up because I hadn't heard from him. I knocked on his door but there was no answer, so I asked a guy a couple doors down if he knew where either Matt or Neal were. The guy said he thought they went to Breakers with some guys and I said, "Oh great, they were supposed to take me." Well, I went down back to my room but I was crying really bad, like face scrunched up and everything. This was EXACTLY what I worried about, which didn't make it better at all. Well, Marie and Erinn returned and of course I couldn't let Erinn see me cry but I told her what happened and I've been ranting about it since. I told her that I'm not stable and that I get depressed and such. Well, I went back up there and wrote a note on his door being sarcastic and saying that it was wonderful that he left me behind. Very sarcastic, no way to miss it. I should have told him he ruined my therapy, because that's what he did. I did everything I thought I'd do, and my therapist said wouldn't happen. Thanks very much, Neal. I cried again on the way downstairs, and I keep thinking about it and making me suffer just as the therapist says I do. I can't stop thinking about it and it keeps making me cry, because I'm so mad. This is worse than last time, because he invited me to this but then never came and got me. I TOLD him I'd be in my room, I did! I can't believe he did that! His parents say he does this often, but really. How could he forget this when he invited me? If one of his friends were on, I'd talk to him and ask them if he has been saying anything about me lately, or if he does this often. I was FINALLY over my distrust too (because of my worry and fear) and now he has to build it all up again since he couldn't keep our plans. Here I go crying again. He says that when I cry he feels bad, but he isn't helping it any. He better have a good reason for this, because he didn't leave a message or anything on my door if he came by earlier. I've been in the room since 7, and I left him around 6:30 or so, and he wasn't done yet, so I didn't think I missed him. There's no way I can logically tell myself not to worry about this, because it happened like I thought it would. My therapy doesn't help with this at all. This just convinced me even more of my disorder though, since I dealt with it exactly the way I thought I would, and it makes me trust less what he claims. He says that even though I think the worse will happen and that I wouldn't be able to bear it, I can't. Well, I'm bearing it, but I'm very angry and very very sad and disappointed in Neal because he was a jerk. Now therapy is going to take even longer since I can't believe what he says. He was just proven wrong.

I went to the counselor today. His name is Larry Wall. He basically told me that I have catastrophic anxiety disorder or something to that effect of the name. Basically I worry about something I don't need to worry about, and when I worry about it I turn it into the worst thing possible. I was really scared to talk to him, and I almost ditched the appointment. He spouted out a lot of stuff from the counseling website, word for word. And he tried to help me by proving to me why it was silly to think Neal would cheat on me, but it made me so sad thinking about it I wanted to cry, and it made me really scared and so I kept playing with my hands and such. I couldn't look at him and I wanted to look away and not focus on it. He made me go through with what I'd do if Neal cheated on me, so I had to tell him how I'd react and that made it worse because I had to actually think about the consequences. He helped a little because I guess it is silly to worry about it, but he also didn't help by the way he did it. I'm supposed to go every week until I'm getting better, but he's not around next week so my next session is in 2 weeks. He doesn't think he'll need to put me on drugs, unless this keeps up. He also said that when I was younger I somehow learned that if I show someone I'm suffering, then whatever is bothering me will go away. So basically I try to make myself suffer when I'm upset about something by thinking about it a whole lot and not trying to help it, because I think that someone will take pity on me and help me or something. This surprised me, because it's true and I had never really thought about that.

I went to Walmart and the mall. The mall is TINY, but I did get some cool necklaces, cool pants, and stuff for Neal's birthday present. And I got me vitamins at Walmart. Right now Marie has them because she had to drop me off so I could work on mathematica and she hasn't come back from the mall yet. :( And Neal is either working on mathematica or having fun without me. I started worrying like 2 minutes ago about what if he left for Breakers without me (it's a beach). He didn't tell me the time they were leaving, so I don't know what's up and now I keep thinking about it when I shouldn't be. I'm supposed to think it through and prove to myself logically that he didn't leave without me. He would look for me. Yeah, but I still can't help worrying. If he did leave without me, I guess I'd deal with it and then yell at him when he came back. Actually, I wanted to go bowling and play pool today which is free between 8 and 10 just for today, but he doesn't seem to want to. :(

Guess what! I joined the fencing club (not officially yet) and I'm going to have free lessons. Lessons have already started, but they said I could just jump right in, so now I'm going to see if anyone wants to come with me. Hopefully it'll help me lose weight. I missed dinner today and I lost 1 1/2 lbs that way, but I'm hungry so I know I'm going to gain it back. This is bad, because I gain 1/2 lb every day... NOOOOOOOO!!!

Today at lunch a guy was running around with a monitor on his head and it was really funny. If he had been anywhere else, he'd have gotten beat up.

Ooo, Friday the 13th. My dad's coming home from Arizona today. He left on the 11th. Not very good dates to go flying in my opinion. Apparently I beat myself up during the night because I woke up and I have a purple bruise on my eyelid... And Neal apparently talks in his sleep. In the 2 times he's slept with me around, I've heard nothing. Matt says that he talks in his sleep almost every night, and that the last time he did it he was saying, "No, Mallory. Don't go." Now who the heck is Mallory? Neal says he knows one back home... so why is it her name he's saying? Why is he not saying MY name? And why does he only talk in his sleep when I'm not around? Hmmmmmm...

I'm going to see a counselor today, and I'm going to Walmart yet again. I know there are lots of things I need, but I can only think of 1 thing so I'll probably have to go again soon. WebCT works on netscape, so my internet explorer is being dumb and won't let it work. Instead of logging in I go to Ask Jeeves. Strange, huh? And also, I can't log into any of the engineering computers apparently which SUCKS and I don't know why. I don't think I changed my password, and if I did then I can't remember it and that sucks.

Song of the day ~ Me So Horny by 2 Live Crew... I copied it from some random computer that I have access to. Ah, the joys of being able to connect to other peoples computers and see their stuff... Especially the one guy that's showing his whole entire hard drive. Sucks to be him.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Ok, I forgot to say a LONG time ago that Jen is a fan of my fan club, and so is Philip now. So my members are:
WOO!! 5 members and possibly more! It's growing!

Allison claims that I read the dictionary when I was younger. How does she know? She's younger than me! Besides, it wasn't like I purposely read words. Our childresn dictionary had fun word puzzles in the front that I liked doing. And I read the encyclopedia, not the dictionary. I had fun looking at the gloss anatomy pages because they were clear and each page added a layer. And Childcraft is the best ever. I've read those books all the way through SO many times, and that's probably why I'm smart. My kids are getting Childcraft, no doubt about it, although now it's getting stupid.

Still no phone call from the doctor, but I got lots of fun pictures of me cousin Alexis. Neal is out playing basketball and he said he'd be back by 8 but it's past then by 20 minutes and he's still not back. While I was doing laundry I played BS with Marie and Erinn, and I BSed Marie's 4 two's without thinking so I got a huge pile but I ended up winning so HA! Apparently there's a guy up here who is from Elgin so now I have to find him. Erinn went with the crazy lady again to their Bible study thing. I said no very strongly, and besides, then I wouldn't get my hour with Neal (who STILL isn't back and is making me anxious). I'm most likely going to Florida for spring break! WOO! And Neal can come with, if he wants to and it's ok with his parents and all. We'd just have to figure out sleeping arrangements, because I know Aunt Linda won't let him sleep in the same room as me. They have an air mattress and 1 double bed open, since Uncle Bruce's mom is in the other open bed. Double bed is inviting, but no, that's just wrong to do anything in someone else's house other than mine or Neal's. Don't look at me that way! Spring break is like 5 1/2 months away, so it's bound to happen!

Song of the day ~ White America by Eminem

Ugh, my physics lab sucks. We had to do TWO labs today, so that meant we had half the time for each, and we finished the first one (with some made up data...) and only half the second one. It really SUCKED BUTT. And then I have my chem lab... which is gonna suck, and then my engineering class about poundals and mugs and glugs and crazy things I don't understand. I tried logging into the computers and it says my login is incorrect. I haven't changed my password... so I don't know what's up but it really sucks. I also can't log into WebCT because it takes me to Ask Jeeves instead, so things are really screwy and it sucks so I'm going to have to go to the computer people today. Man, this SUCKS. The doctor hasn't called yet with my results...

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Hee hee, Allison was mistaken for being my mom's sister which would put her at about 45 or so.... HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Man, makes me feel better. Hee hee. Neal better hurry with his hall meeting so I can get my hour with him today. If I don't, I'm going to be very disappointed.

I went to the doctor today. It took forever, like 2 hours, but I really like the doctor I got. She's very nice and helpful and actually listens. Anyway, I had to get blood drawn and she's going to call me tomorrow about the results. She told me that since the blood loss is making me dehydrated, I need to drink enough that I have to pee every 2 hours, so now I'm going to be Janet/Melissa style. That's just until I get better. Still have a headache and weakness. It sucked when I had social dance class and we were learning dips and then swing danced.

Song of the day ~ Waterbuffalo from Veggie Tales

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

Ugh, I can't move because I'm so weak.... It sucks. Neal was over and we watched a movie since I can't do much else. I started coughing but it hurts to cough, it hurts to laugh, I can't breathe very deeply. I stand and after awhile I'm just exhausted from standing. I itch and my muscles hurt from moving. This is really really bad and it sucks, because my head keeps throbbing. I was doing some research on what could be wrong and I found out that really long menstrual bleeding is a symptom of lupus and so is fatigue, dizziness, etc that I've been experiencing. I REALLY hope I don't have lupus, since it's deadly. That would suck the big one. I hope I don't need a blood transfusion, since I hate blood and needles and I'm O negative which is rare.

Ok, so a lot is up. I woke up with a fever of 100.2. I called Houghton Community Health Center and there was only 1 opening at it was during my engineering class again. The first opening they had after then was next Monday, so they gave me a phone number to call in Hancock. I called there and there were no openings I could go to, so that place gave me the phone number of the hospital. I called and they called back saying they wanted to see me. The other places kept telling me to call my doctor, but this place decided that since I'm getting dizzy and fevers and headaches they wanted to see me. They could only fit me in at 1, but I can't get a ride till 1:30. However, I was able to get an appointment tomorrow for 3:00 and now I need to find a ride. If I can't, then I'm supposed to call and reschedule. I'm excited that I'm finally going to get fixed. I moved my really light backpack with 2 books in it 2 ft and I was tired. That's how bad I am now. I stand up and I get tired and my legs shake. I think it's from loss of blood and the lack of iron, which sucks since now I'm supposed to get my period and it's going really strong again. I sit down and my head throbs. I feel like I'm a weakling. Oh, and my heart was hurting before after going up lots of stairs which is probably because I'm so darn tired from loss of blood. It sucks. I hope I don't need a blood transfusion. I think we found out I am type O... which is hard to find. At least I get to be cool with a rare blood type! WOO! I also made an appointment for counseling on Friday, so hopefully I will be helped through my anxiety. I think I catastrophize some things, which is not cool, besides worrying too much. I'm excited about finally getting help for my depression and stuff.

Song of the day ~ Home by Switchfoot

Monday, September 09, 2002

Neal's going to Puerto Rico and I'm sad because it's for 2 weeks. I'm afraid he's going to be checking out all the girls and not thinking of me at all. I'm mad too, because he said he'd be around for Christmas and that he'd come with my family to see Funny Girl but now he's not. I'm really upset about this, like majorly.

Today sucks, today sucks. Why? Because I'm STILL bleeding which makes it exactly 2 weeks which means I've probably lost a WHOLE heck of a lot of blood. Which would explain why I feel so faint and dizzy and get headaches and fevers. I'm pretty sure I'm anemic right now, unless I have some weird wacko flu. I called the health center but they were busy so I walked up there and the only time that was free was 4:15 today but I have a class then. Tomorrow there are no openings, but if I call tomorrow morning at 8 there may be a cancellation. If not then, then I just hope I can get a time REAL soon because this is not cool. I don't want to faint. Right now I have a temperature of 98.7 which isn't a fever but I had also just drunk something cold so I probably do have a fever. No headache yet... But who knows?

Mike actually came to chem today but left in the middle because if he didn't he was "gonna die." He borrowed a dollar for who knows what. He smelled like smoke, but not cigarette smoke... He said he was going to stop by tonight to pay me back. He also had cigarette burns on his arm that looked pretty nasty. We slow danced in my social dance class, so now I can go to dances and not look too much like a fool. At least I will be able to dance at my wedding, whenever that is. I haven't seen much of Neal today. :( Hopefully we'll be able to spend a couple hours together tonight.

Song of the day ~ Secret Asian Man by the Capital Steps

Sunday, September 08, 2002

Hmmm, Neal's being a bum. He's not online and he's supposed to put an away message up if he's not in his room. We agreed upon this. He has been a bum SEVERAL times today. I've cried twice today because of the anemia. It's not fun having a headache and fever which has been getting higher. It's not fun being low on blood and bruising easily because of it. It's also not cool when the doctor you call doesn't care that I'm faint and lightheaded and close to fainting. Tomorrow I'm going to see someone at the clinic. Oh, and I called my mom and she figured out what the Master Plan was but Neal still has no idea. I find that incredibly funny.

I like my thermometer. It beeps differently when you have a fever. Ahh, beautiful. So at 99.7 I have a fever, but I already knew that because I had a headache. I get headaches when I get fevers. I think it's a loss of iron... STUPID. Grrr... My engineering didn't take long at all. Woo.

Grr... I was going to go to the Houghton Community Health Center to see a doctor but it's Sunday and it isn't open on Sundays! So I am not allowed to be sick on Sundays! It blows! Grr... Especially since I was faint this morning when walking to the shower. This is not good at all.

Ok, so I woke up today feeling fine and took my temperature and it was 99.9. It's been getting higher and I was surprised that I still had a fever since I feel fine. However, I am very hungry. I took tylenol and I made up a nice song to the tune of 99 Bottles of Pop (or whatever) on the Wall. I think that I might be sick due to excessive blood loss. Man, it's so hot here. Supposedly they only get 1 hot week a year and I came to visit during that week, but it's been hot forever now and I didn't bring appropriate clothes. Yesterday I was getting food from the campus cafe and the guy who was making my sandwich started talking to me and asking me questions about K-day and where I was from and stuff. I was surprised because I didn't know the guy and normally guys don't talk to me when I purchase stuff so I thought it must be It again. I was reading Alli's blog and she swore on it and that makes me mad because if I did that I'd get yelled at but when she swears no one cares. It's not fair. Besides, where is she learning all this language and what makes her think that it's ok to use it? I don't like her friends at all. They are a bad influence. Steve and Chris are ok, but everyone else... baaaaaad. My favorite necklace broke today, and it made me sad because it's Neal's favorite one too. There's no way to fix it, too.

Song of the day ~ XO by Elliott Smith

Saturday, September 07, 2002

I'm feeling better today. My temperature is actually normal, and I don't know if that's from Neal or if I still have a small fever. I'm still a little sad, and I figured out why. The problem is that I don't know how to fix it. It's not something Neal can easily fix, either. I think the Master Plan will fix it, but the thing with that is that now I'm not sure if the Master Plan will go through correctly and successfully. *sigh* I need more confidence and trust, that's what it is. I'm too wimpy and I worry about so many things that is causes my trust to fail. It sucks. Oh, I created another blog but I'm not going to ever link to it. It's too personal for that. It's my mind, everything I think about. It's basically my journal. I'm hoping it will help.

Friday, September 06, 2002

Ugh, I had this headache that I've had all day and it won't go away. Well, it's past midnight so basically I had it yesterday and today. I also have a small fever which sucks. I took aspirin but it didn't help so I'm hoping getting lots of sleep will help. I took a nap yesterday after I got back from K-day. It was for about 2 hours, and then I watched Coyote Ugly with Erinn and Marie. Neal either hasn't come back from his thing or he just hasn't chosen to go online. :( I barely got to see him and stuff yesterday and it makes me sad. I was thinking today about what I'd do if Neal came back and emailed me telling me that he wanted to break up because he met a nice girl and I got all sad. I would have cried if Erinn and Marie weren't around and I wasn't being stupid. I know Neal wouldn't do that. Kim Winfrey asked me about Jessa and I surprised how she knew. Apparently Jess told her, I bet Lindsay told Jess. Um, I probably should sleep and hopefully get better.

Song of the day ~ By The Way by Red Hot Chili Peppers

I went to K-day today and it was ok. K-day is basically the college's made up holiday to celebrate the Keweenaw Peninsula. Basically classes ended at 12 and then people went over to the state park and hung out. I have no classes after 12 on Fridays so I didn't miss anything, but Neal missed all his classes! I went up there with Marie, Erinn, and Neal. We ate and then walked around and listened to the bands and get free stuff like cds. I entered a few drawings and signed up for a few mailing lists (the anime club and the robotics one). Neal ditched me to play volleyball without saying anything, which made me sad. Then when he was done and we sat together he got up to talk to some people so I was left by myself. Eventually he came back and seemed like he felt bad about it, so it didn't make me as sad as I had felt. I managed to control my feelings today, which was good because I examined Neal's behavior and it wasn't like he was shunning me afterwards, so he was just being a typical guy. We went to Walmart again because we left early and hitched a ride with people from his floor. I know more people on his floor than mine! Anyway, then he was hungry so he went to eat and do stuff in his room I guess, because he hasn't come back yet. That's ok. I ate way too much anyway. Tomorrow we're starting me on some exercises.

"I heard something on the radio about the Wiggles the other day, and my parents were like, what the heck is the Wiggles, and then I piped up from the back seat spouting all this Wiggles trivia, finishing off with '......and I have one of their CDs!' They just looked at me like, who the heck are you? It was funny." ~Melissa

Song of the day ~ Dosed by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Thursday, September 05, 2002

Ok, here's yet another post from me. There's been this fly that won't leave our room. I've tried to kill it but it won't settle down. I've come close twice. It's so frustrating because it keeps landing on me. The power went out today and it took out the whole campus. It sucked because I was in the middle of engineering homework on the computer with my group and we hadn't saved and we were done. Now we have to meet again and do it all over again. My floor was so dark that I couldn't see my door and I had to count them and feel for mine and then feel for the lock. For some reason the other floors weren't as dark. People had flashlights everywhere. Right now Neal is playing football. After our movie he was looking out the window at those playing and was distracted. He wasn't paying attention to anything and he put on something just to keep me occupied. I wish he had said something to me, like told me he wanted to play. I know I wouldn't play, but he doesn't have to feel obligated to have me in his room all the time. I don't want him to not be his own person. Janet taught me that. I love Neal for who he is, and I don't want him to be me. If he turned into me, I'd have to break up with him. I keep encouraging him to do things with others, and while it's at the sacrifice of me and while I'm not doing any of it, I don't care. I want him to be happy with friends. I can deal with only a few friends. I'm busy anyway, so I'm not missing out on anything really. I have friends and that's all I need for now. I'd rather have Neal happy and be himself. Yamil asked if he was still "woped" and Neal said yes. I'm still not clear on the meaning, but I don't think it's something good. However, I was still sad when Neal wasn't paying attention to me. Some days I'm just not in the mood for anything, but today I woke up with a purpose in mind and he doesn't feel like anything. I woke up today and it was weird because I was just struck by how strongly I feel for Neal and it was amazing. But anyway, I digress. I just wanted to say that word. That's how things are as of now.

The crazy lady came back today. She's part of Campus Crusade for Christ. Marie was with her. I said that I had a long day and had to do calc homework (not lies) so I wasn't going to go. Erinn went though. She's not back yet, so I don't know how it is, but I'd rather not join. I believe in God and all, but I would really prefer to do it on my own time.

Ugh, I'm in such a mode! I'm watching Neal play football. Every day there are some people playing. Now they are just throwing it back and forth because it's dark and there are only 5 of them left. Neal just doesn't seem to be the type for football, being skinny and all (especially weighing the same as me). I feel like such a fatty. Oh gosh, the depression is coming again. I can feel it. I don't really know the source. I think it's because I gained some weight. Weight gain always makes me depressed. I can't eat anymore, but I have this stupid meal plan to use. I can't eat 14 meals in a week, it's insane. Ugh, this whole football thing is really bothering me, too. I'm discussing it with John and I guess I acted the way I should have by letting Neal do what he wanted, but I feel like he wasn't interested in me today. Lately I've been feeling like he's less interested in me, and I've noticed it has been since the weight gain. It hurts, but I don't know what to do about it. At least I'm not crying.

Have you ever noticed that l and 1 look a lot alike in Times New Roman? 100k or lOOk? 1oop dee doo! John figured that out, and reminded me of the time in 6th grade when I used to put lint in the pencil sharpeners and then they wouldn't work because they were automatic. I also kept putting it in the trophy we had. I was a weird kid...

My chem lab wasn't bad, because I got out an hour and a half early which is sweet. I hated my physics lab, but oh well. I think I'm getting sick because my throat is sore and I have a runny nose and I keep coughing and sometimes I don't have a voice. Neal's parents finally asked about me! Woo! That makes me happy because I felt unloved. Well, I know I'm loved because I'm told every day, but I mean I felt like his parents don't have an interest in me. They will have to deal with me for a long time, because I don't plan on going away. I was talking to John and he told me he was majoring in bus admin and I thought he mean buses, not business and I was so confused.

Why did the cowboy get a dachsund? His pardner told him to get along little doggie. ~Courtesy of John

Woo! I got a response from Mr. Saiz!!!! He didn't say anything about me hanging out with Neal so my suspicians that he knew I liked Neal (since he gave me funny looks a lot) are unconfirmed. Anyway, lunch today really sucked. And it's raining again. It rains far too much here, and I'm cold but Neal isn't around to warm me because he's at class. Grrr.

Song of the day ~ Bloodied Up by Alkaline Trio

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

The FUNNIEST things happened today. First I was in Neal's room and Matt (his new roommate) and some other guy were there building the ladder to the loft. I mentioned how it was good to have a ladder since I couldn't get to the beds and Matt asked, "What do you need to get to the beds for?" I replied, "Uh... sitting." And he said, "Sitting, so that is what you call it now eh? You're in college now, we know what goes on." I totally wasn't implying anything, but it was really funny. Then I was talking online and I decided to IM Erinn who was sitting right next to me and she didn't know who it was and it was soooo funny.

OK, then we went to Walmart and I had to buy some pads because I brought 1 package and I'm almost done with it. Stupid birth control pills, making the period last a week instead of the 4 days or so it used to be. Anyway, I bought 3 packages and Erinn and Marie were making fun of me because I had so many. Neal was kinda funny being in the pad isle. Hee hee. Anyway, we all ended up buying movies. I bought Mannequin (AWESOME 80s movie). I saw A Wiggly Safari and I almost bought that because it has The Crocodile Hunter in it!!!! NEAT!!!! Neal was making fun of me saying, "I'm surprised you aren't buying Bob the Builder" and I started singing the theme song and he ran away because of it. I also saw Escape From New York with Kurt Russell and it made me think of Escape From L.A. I saw that and it had a Che lookalike in it, which was awesome. Anyway, that one didn't have mole people like it supposedly did (according to Mrs. Percoco and Melissa) so I bet it's Escape From New York that does. So anyway, we checked out and after arriving back at the college parking lot we walked back to the dorm and there was this really steep hill that I slipped on since it was dewy and fell and I started cracking up. Marie, Erinn, and Neal kept making fun of me with my pads after my bag broke because the pads closed the hole and I commented about how they were good for more than normally thought of. Well, I don't quite remember what was said but it was soooooo funny that I cracked up and had to pee and couldn't walk and it was bad. It was my classic gigglitis, which I haven't truly had in a long time. It's great having such great friends here.

I forgot to say yesterday that I almost got hit by a car. And today I talked to Mike and he was up till 3 AM this morning doing laundry for some unknown reason. Then he overslept and came late to chem. Oh well. Uh, yeah. Not very eventful.

Oh! The scary lady came by and interrupted me while I was busy talking to Lauren, but I didn't have a chance to explain it because Lauren had to leave and so that makes me mad, especially when she won't leave me alone. Grrrrrrrr......

Song of the day ~ Complicated by Avril Lavigne

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Ok, click here for the website to see the flood stuff. I don't know if it will work, because I can't get to it but it seems to work for other people so it's weird. I talked to Mike and Chris and couple other people, and they set Mike's nipples on fire and they blistered. I saw it, and it looked painful but kinda funny because who would actually agree to that? It's insane.

Click here, too. Either link should work, this one definitely.

Song of the day ~ Only Hope by Mandy Moore

Monday, September 02, 2002

Man, there was this wicked cool thunder storm and is was crazy. The flooding was nuts, with water rushing down the stairs from the 3rd floor door (it was even closed) and the water was about 2" deep. Out in the street it was about a foot or deeper and it was past people's knees. People were running through it and swimming and it was awesome. Cars would rushed through and create waves at least 6' tall and it was like a fun ride. Some people played ultimate friesbee and slid in the water with a plastic sled. Others were mud wrestling and throwing mud. I was on the 5th floor with Neal, so I got a perfect view out his window. Others were video taping it and making pictures and soon I will have the link to a webpage that one guy is creating for it. Even more were running and sliding in the mud. It was frickin' awesome.

Song of the day ~ Generator by the Foo Fighters

Sunday, September 01, 2002

Neal and I are swapping mp3s and stuff, and it's taking forever. I only had about 3.6 GB to share and it took about 70 minutes, but he has 13.something and it's taking over 200 minutes. Uh, yeah so today hasn't been too eventful. Oh, a couple days ago I had a dream that the Bible was based off of Moby Dick.

Song of the day ~ Carrot Joice is Murder by Arrogant Worms

Yesterday Neal and I played in a Euchre tournament. We had never played before, so it was interesting. It's actually a fun game. We came in 4th place out of 6 I think, which is neat. You play in teams and with only 9-Ace. We lost-won-lost and it was sooo fun. It's a big Wisconsin/Michigan/Southern Illinois card game. Spent the night in Neal's room but we were on different beds.