Steph's Suitcase

What's going on in Steph's life and her random musings... for anyone who gives a monkey.

Saturday, August 31, 2002

Grrr, today the laundry room is insanely busy. Washing was fine but there weren't enough driers. The one I chose had a quarter stuck in it, so I had to wait for another and people kept yoinking them out of turn. One guy insisted on folding his clothes before he took them out of whatever, so he took forever and made things backed up even more. However, Shout is a beautiful thing for getting out stains. Ahhh, lovely. I hate birth control pills because they make my body crazy and bloodier than usual. However, woo! Protection and regularity! Dave was down there and we talked a bit and he totally wants to ask me out because he asked about Neal (not by name) in a teasing kind of voice. I can't explain it, but he totally is waiting for us to break up. While I was waiting for my stuff to be done I checked my mail and my sheets came in. Woo! We originally had accidentely bought 2 different fitted sheets of the same color instead of a fitted and a flat so my mom had to order a flat sheet. Yay! Now I can mix and match!

Yesterday I finally solved the mathematica problems! Woo! It turns out I know my physics and was right for the last one. Yet still, my partner insists on "teaching" the principles to me when he doesn't even understand them himself. It sucks. Anyway, Mike thought he was my father and I had to explain the whole situation. Since Mike was in the lab too, I talked to him when I was done and then we went to his car and he taught me 2 songs on the bass (a 5-string) and while I wasn't any good, it was fun. Then we talked for a while, and I ended up hanging out with him for 1 1/2 hours, which is awesome. He and I talked about depression and all that, and he says his life sucks and he needs a girlfriend. While it sounds like a horrible philosophy, having someone actually does make life not suck. Neal has made my life not suck, and I love him for it. I love him for other things too, but that's one of them. Oh, and yesterday I bought a Weezer poster for $10 which is way expensive, but I just couldn't pass it up. I bought more of the flavored water I'm addicted to, and pina colada flavored chocolate. Mmmmmm. I'm getting fat here because I'm retaining water. Stupid time of the month. Hopefully you'll be gone in like 2 or 3 more days! Grrrr, it's really a damper on my fun. I'm going to a barbeque today at a beach in Hancock. I hope I have fun. Oh, and to take advantage of Neal's last few days roommate-less, I'm staying the night in his room tonight. Nothing's going to happen, of course. Especially with me being bloody and all. I have to find a way to tell Erinn...

I had a strange dream involving Ayla and Jondalar from the books my Jean M. Auel, and also involving a bookstore and Chris, and involving a Chinese store, and then later Christmas dinner (in August) at my house with Neal and family members I haven't seen in forever. Anyway, here's a quote:
"Nurse, I'm getting pregant." ~A random lady in mu dream who was using that as an excuse to leave the bookstore. Needless the say, the nurse didn't believe her because she was "getting" pregant.

Oh, and apparently there's such a thing as a grape tomato. I've had cherry tomatoes, but never a grape one. According to Alli they are just like cherry ones. And I keep forgetting to say that in every town in the UP there's an Amygaloid street, which is weird. What kind of name is that, anyway?

Song of the day ~ Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode

Thursday, August 29, 2002

Ahh, the scary lady is back! I closed my door so she wouldn't come and knock and talk to me and laugh with her insanely annoying laugh. She keeps trying to get me to join campus ministries, and every time she bugs me the less I want to join. All I wanted was a little info, not someone like the Jehovah's Witnesses. I swear, it's EXACTLY like that, only worse because she comes by more often! Lately I have been drinking a lot. I've had 4 bottles of water and a snapple in 3 days, in addition to what I drink at lunch and dinner. It's insane and I always have to pee now! Oh, and I preordered the Weezer special edition EP that's only sold in certain stores and some online places. It comes out Sept. 24 and while I already have all the songs on it, I must have it since it's Special Edition. It's called The Lion and the Witch. It's going to be just a little shorter than the Green Album, so it'll probably be around 20 minutes or so which isn't bad considering it was $7. Good ol' Weezer, making sure all their albums are about 30 minutes long. I'm excited that tomorrow my last class ends at 12. WOO! All afternoon and evening and night is free for Neal! YEAH!

Song of the day ~ Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

Went to go buy tickets to the Reducers, which is a reduced Shakespeare company. It will condense all his works into one. It took awhile because for some reason the card machine was being stupid so it didn't like my card. Oh, and before that I washed my clothes but I was stupid and missed 4 important items, so I'm going to see if Neal will wash them for me. And before that I was spit on by some guy, which sucked but he just aimed really badly. Lots of things before that.

Oh, I was sitting in my room waiting for Neal to tell me he was coming to my room for lunch but he just randomly logged off. I figured he was coming but after a few minutes he didn't show up and I had to pee so I went to the bathroom. I came back and waited and waited until FINALLY Neal came back online and asked where I was! Since I didn't answer the knock he thought I already went and so he went without me! I was sooooooooo devastated that I actually started crying. He didn't leave a message or anything, so I didn't know he stopped by or where he was. Well, I quickly ate then went to his room where I was sad. I only had about 20 minutes to spend with him, so that wasn't cool either and Neal didn't realize how upset I was. I was surprised myself by how upset I got. Yeah, so it's that time of the month but normally that doesn't affect me and it's soooooo hard to make me cry. I know Neal sometimes changes his mind and stuff so I should have been able to take it better like I have when he's backed out of things before, but for some reason I couldn't. I still can't get over the fact that I cried. If I can't handle a misunderstanding, how am I ever going to handle if we ever break up or if he gets hurt in some way? I mean, I don't think we're going to break up (although now my mom keeps talking about it) and I don't want Neal to not break up with me (if he wants to) just because he wouldn't want to hurt me. I'd feel bad that I'd be forcing him into the relationship. It's a predicament that I hope never comes up.

Oh, and when I was in Neal's room he gave me the scary eyes, but it wasn't the scary eyes I've been talking about before. These were THE scary eyes. I can't believe I haven't mentioned them before. The scary eyes is the look a guy gives you when he really likes you a lot. I used to think they were wide and penetrating, because I was given that look once by a male who liked me a lot, but after seeing Neal's eyes I know that isn't THE scary eyes. Those eyes were scary, but they weren't THE scary eyes. Neal gave me THE scary eyes. It was like he was looking into my soul and I swear his eyes looked full of love because it was the kindest look on his face I've ever seen and it was because of his eyes. I wish I had stared and memorized the look, but it's fading. All I remember was being shocked at seeing THE scary eyes, which weren't scary at all. If you want more information on THE scary eyes, watch the episode of Boy Meets World where Cory is transported back to the 50s and he gives Topanga THE scary eyes.

I took a 500 question purity test and in the past week my score has dropped from somewhere in the 90s, like 92% pure or something, to 85%. WOO! Oh, and Neal's getting a roommate which sucks because that means less private time for us. The whole room is going to change, since they're gonna have a loft and there will be another person. I hope it doesn't suck too much. Classes were boring today.

Song of the day ~ Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen because it was in my head for the longest time.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Ahhhhh, blogs are fun. Today some guys walked by and they were cawing like crows... creepy. Today Neal had his hand on my arm and part of my shirt and he thought the shirt was some weird patch of skin I suddenly grew between dinner and like, 9:30. I giggled. What a crazy thing. Ahhhh, nothing much else that I can remember.

Just had my engineering class and it was way fun. I learned how to use a Sun, and how to use Pine and lots of fun things like searching for people anywhere, and logging into someone else's computer (ha ha ha). However, in doing my homework I accidentely printed out something to a random computer and I don't know where it's going so that will be interesting. Ugh, no time to read philosophy! Sucky! I have to meet with Dave, my calc lab partner at 6 to hopefully finish the homework we have. Oh, and I met Dave (the other one, the one that wants to ask me out) on the way to class and we talked for a bit and before we parted he patted me on the arm. Friendly I'm sure, but it's weird cuz it's not like we're that close. He's calling me Steph already, which is odd since like no one does that right away. However, it was nice talking to him cuz it's someone I know! Woo! That's about up to date. Yeah.

Yesterday I heard a commercial that asked, "Have you ever wondered what it's like to slide down an intestine?" Oh, and I woke up several times from my dreams last night and thought I was in Neal's room and got very confused when I wasn't.

Ugh, today sucked. My calc lab is using a program named Mathematica which I've never used before, and it's confusing and I'm really slow at it since it's on a Sunray and that's a freaky operating system like linux. My partner is a 40ish guy who has absolutely no computer skills and so it's not cool. Because we have never used the program before, we have to do extra labs to get us acquainted with it. We have to work on it today out of class because it's due next Tuesday and you only have 1 class period to do it in which really sucks. Uh, hung out with Neal again. I kept waking up last night and everytime I thought I was in his room. It was weird. I emailed Mr. Saiz and thanked him for doing the robots since it changed my life. Um, so now I have to do homework.

Song of the day ~ Butterfly Pikachu Remix by ? I don't know who it's by.

Monday, August 26, 2002

Ahh, so yesterday I spent pretty much the whole day with Neal. I saw Dave twice but he didn't really say anything to me, probably because I was with Neal and it would pose a potential problem (ahh, stats!). Anyway, today I had my first classes starting at 9. Intro to Philosophy, then Calc II, then Chem. The first 2 were basically all upperclassmen but in my chem I sat with Mike, Chris, Greg, and some guy I didn't know. We paid attention to like half of it because it was all boring and stuff about the wonderful WebCT system that we can use for the class. The teacher likes progressive music and was playing it before class which rocked. It was also awesome that he had a British accent. I told Neal that and he laughed at me. I have sooooo many things to do homework-wise but I haven't had time to do it yet. I have about 15 minutes right now before my next class. Anyway, after those 3 classes I had lunch with Neal and then he went to his classes (which start at 1, that bum!). He has 4 in a row though, which sucks for him. I sat for 10 minutes before I went up the huge hill to my social dance class. I passed Chantelle on the way. I wonder what class she had. Anyway, it was hard work and I was all sweaty. We talked most of the period about stuff, and then we had 10 minutes left which we used to learn a basic swing dance. The guy:girl ratio is about 50:50, with only 3 girls left over which isn't bad at all. Mondays the guy picks the girl, and Wednesday the girl picks the guy. One girl got confused and asked me, which confused me because I wasn't sure if she just got confused or if she thought I was a guy. I sorta ignored her and she realized her mistake and ran away. I was one of the last ones picked. A guy named Craig from someplace in Michigan picked me. He's a geology major and he used to swing dance back at home, but not with rules so he wasn't too good. His rhythm was off, but I wasn't too hot either. Finally I got the hang of it and it was fun, but bouncy. He complained about his muscles, but mine were fine. I didn't know anyone in the class, and they're all mostly upperclassmen again so I'm not looking like I'm going to have many freshman friends which sucks, but oh well. That brings me to now, where I have to leave for my next class soon- Engineering.

Song of the day ~ Only in Dreams by Weezer. I'm always hearing the blue album played when I'm in Neal's room, and it's always that song. I'm not complaining. Oh, and that reminds me how Chris and I were discussing preogressive/techno-like music and then Weezer since I'm wearing one of my many Weezer shirts and have the Weezer keychain.

Saturday, August 24, 2002

Ok, so I'm trying to log into Song Spy and it's being mean. It says that my user name has been created, but then it won't let me in and it says that it hasn't been created. It can't make up it's mind. Spent time with Neal, but now he's at a bonfire and I'm lonely. No one's on to talk to. I can't decide if I want to go to church tomorrow or not. I'm thinking no. Ugh, I have a headache for some unknown reason. Oh, and Neal told me that Yamil doesn't approve of me. Yamil doesn't even know me! He's only seen me, and he's basing it all on looks. He thinks Neal can do better. Well fine, let him be superficial. I know I'm not hot, but at least I have a great personality and that's what matters. That's why Neal likes me, and why we're so connected.

Song of the day ~ It's Raining Men by Geri Halliwell (I think)

Ok, so I hung out with Dave (David) for a bit and I definitely think he was trying to pick me up or something because he asked about Neal (not by name) and asked if we were serious and then told me he has a girlfriend back at home who he just broke up with because he wants to meet other people, and he said that staying with 1 person isn't good and I don't get any variety or know what I like that way. Well, I'm not going to change my mind anytime soon. Dave is nice and all, but he drinks and shoots and would not be someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. He's going to stay a friend.

Ok, so I'm way bored. I think I'm going to see if David wants to do the bouncy things that are outside. There's bouncy foosball and bouncy punchy things and mini golf and weird stuff. I can't just keep sitting like this. Oh, and yesterday and today my heart has been hurting. It hurts right now, and I'm sure it's not a good thing but I don't know what to do about it. I'm also keenly aware that I'm breathing and it feels different. I can't describe it, but it's not normal and I'm a bit scared. I feel like my whole body is moving with the breathing and that I'm breathing more than I should be and that I'm not controlling it and that it's not ME breathing but someone else. Maybe that connection with Neal has grown so much that I'm breathing when he does and like he does. He's at a volleyball tournament right now that just started when this breathing thing started, so I'm guessing that's it. Man, things are weird.

Friday, August 23, 2002

I went to dinner today and David sat with me. He was in my orientation group and is going to be an electrical engineer. Anyway, we were talking and he asked me if I was doing anything tonight. Now, I wasn't sure if he was thinking in a friendly way or not, but I said no. Anyway, he started talking about dvd and all that and so we decided we're going to watch a movie tonight if he hasn't planned anything with his friends already. I think it's going to be a group thing with his roommate and all, but not sure. Anyway, it sounded like it was also a date-kinda thing, so I when he asked what kinds of dvds I had I told him mine and then mentioned Neal's and we started talking about my boyfriend and how we happened to be going to the same school and all. His reaction made me think that it was a kinda-date. He thought we were going to do a long-distance thing, so I corrected him. Anyway, he's nice most of the time. During our team meetings he wasn't, but that's just the way he was- being cynical and everything. A lot of our group didn't like him, but I can stand him so I don't mind talking to him. I was glad he saved me from sitting by myself. It's good to be getting a friend, since Neal is taking up my time and I can't meet anyone. I don't have any female friends that I talk to except Erinn, so I was getting worried that I wouldn't have many friends. David told me to stop by his room anytime whenever I'm bored, so that's cool. Finally something to do but internet and Neal. I think Neal needs to be making some friends, since he complains that no one on his floor stops by. Maybe if he kept his door open instead of closing it all the time, he'd meet some people. I'm glad he did the field games thing, and went to play volleyball because I don't want to be his only friend. It seems like he's becoming attached to me, but maybe it's because he's shy and is afraid to make friends. I'll forgive him for that. I hope I'll be able to make friends, because otherwise it's going to suck. So far I talk to Adam, Mike, Greg, Chris, David, Neal, Chantelle, Erinn, and Jon so it's not like I'm friendless. They're all in the same dorm as I, which makes it easier. I don't know anyone's room except Neal and David. Jon's on the ground floor and Chantelle is 2nd floor, I believe. Chris has stopped by a couple times, and Mike has stopped by once, so I'm not friendless. I just have no means to talk to people. I haven't been able to see Neal, but he's supposedly playing volleyball. If he is, he must not be playing at the court in front of my window, or maybe it's hard to find him. There are soooo many guys here that look like Neal from behind, so I have to look for his right ear. It's too far away to tell right now, though, and he changed shirts so I don't know what he's wearing. In half an hour there's going to be a 500 foot long Ice Cream Sundae that should be really yummy but I don't know if Neal wants me to wait for him. Grrr, crazy Neal leaving me hanging.

"I like to vacuum the hallways. You meet a lot of people that way." ~a guy on one of the orientation videos

"I always lock my door because otherwise all these hot women jump in my bed." ~the same guy on one of the orientation videos

I'm going to tell Neal to slow down. I don't think I'm going to be able to control myself. Some guy just wrote his phone number on my door... I think. I didn't see it. I found it that way.

What doesn't belong: a tuna, a lobster, and a squashed Chinese?
The tuna. The others are crustaceans (get it? crushed Asians?)

Man, I've been behind on my blogging. I haven't had time because I've been spending so much time with Neal. It's great, and things are getting... not what I expected, that's for sure. I think the freedom is getting to us. Actually, I've spent so much time with Neal that I haven't really met anyone else. I mean, I know plenty of people but I don't know where to find them to hang out with so it's like whatever. Yesterday I had to register and it was sooooo frustrating because the class I needed to take to replace a required class I APed out of wouldn't fit in my schedule, and I couldn't find anything that did but Intro to Philosophy which is totally useless. I couldn't change the offending classes because that would require changing 3 others because everything is scheduled in blocks. I'm taking Social Dance, which is good because I need to learn how to dance. I get to tango and swing dance and waltz and lots of stuff. Um, yeah.

Song of the day ~ Where Is My Mind? by The Pixies

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

YEHA!! I am now using my lovely broadband connection that is SUPA FAST. It wasn't working before because I had it plugged in the wrong outlet, STUPID!

Friday, on the way up to Silver City where out hotel was, we passed the Loose Moose Grill (hee hee) and I saw a picture of a flying moose on the tire protector things that are on the back of truck tires. I don't know what to call them. Anyway, then I saw the Red Man Supper Club which I laughed at. I also saw the Lac Vieux Desert and Dinner Lake and I laughed because Michigan has no deserts. Apparently the Lac Vieux Desert is a Chippewa tribe, which is the stupidest name I've ever heard of. I know this because there was a casino under the same name. Oh, and in Wisconsin there's a town by the name of De Forest. I thought of Melissa when I saw that. I also saw Kowlaski road, which then made me think of Janet. Oh, and there's this neato company that makes custom homes and you get to build them yourself at NEAT! There was this one 4-lane highway that had a speed limit of 25 mph and it was really crazy. Our hotel ended up being in a town of 60, which sucks. My dad succeeded in getting us lost on a dirt road, and Saturday he did it again. I think my family is cursed.

Back to Saturday now. We moved in and it took about 3 hours to unpack everything and set up the computer and I hope that everything is successful. I didn't take as much as it looked like, because I have TONS of room left over. The only thing is that there are only 2 outlets and not enough extension cords so every electrical item is on one side of the room and my coffeemaker isn't plugged in, and I don't think my tv is either. I'm not sure. I was really worried about everything yesterday, but today I'm better because I like mtu SOOOOOO much better than Augustana. I feel at home here, and people are friendlier than the Augustana people. Anyway, my main fear was taking a shower because I don't want to go around when people are still moving in and stuff. Oh, and I wasn’t sure if I was even allowed to stay overnight which is the stupidest worry I’ve ever had. No wonder I think I have GAD. And I apparently have mail already which is the craziest thing ever. Oh, and now I have to change the time settings, crazy Eastern time zone. The girl in the room to my left seems nice when I walk by, but I haven't talked to her yet. She likes the same kind of music as me, which is cool. My roommate isn't here yet, so it's going to be crazy today when she moves in. Man, I'm just rambling on. I'm going to laugh SO hard when Neal moves in today because he barely has any stuff, only 10 shirts and stuff. I brought 21 shirts and I have PLENTY of closet room, and I basically have 3 junk drawers because I didn't use the dresser space. Ha ha, man is he going to regret what he did.

I couldn’t sleep AT ALL Saturday night because the people next door were building a loft and they didn’t stop till after midnight. Not to mention the fact that the beds are really squeaky and the temperature alternated between hot and cold. Stupid wind. I fell asleep sometime around 1, and then woke up several times like at 4 and stuff and finally just decided to get up at 7:30 because I couldn’t sleep anymore and it was WAY too bright. I took a lovely shower very awkwardly because I’m not used to small stalls and stuff, and then I went to lunch where my floor all ate together but there wasn’t enough seats for me so I sat with a couple of guys who were roommates and I wimped out in asking their names and stuff so basically it was a quiet breakfast with yucky food (I feel nauseas now) and I was lonely. I drank chocolate milk for the first time in over 4 years because I couldn’t find the juice. The French toast either had too much egg or was undercooked, I’m not sure which. I still haven’t gotten my mail just because I can’t believe that I have mail. Oh, and my house name is Mafia, which is the coolest name ever and it fits in with my game Family Business that I brought. A lot of people on the floor seem outgoing which isn’t fun for me because I’m totally not that and I feel out of place.

Now, one thing I forgot to say was that on Thursday my mom broke the automatic doors at Best Buy. She rammed the cart into them before they were fully open and the doors swung out of the side instead of sliding and it was really crazy.

Orientation has been sooooo fun. I'm meeting a lot of cool people, who actually talk to me which is different from normal. Since the guy:girl ratio is 3:1, most of my friends are guys which is cool since that's how it was when I was younger before SWAS, like till 4th grade. I fit in with them, which is way neat. I've also met a lot of nice girls, most of then going into computer engineering like me. I like my group of cp, because we're so much fun. I like mtu SO much better than Augustana, plus I get to hang out with Neal till whenever. Last night I left at 12:30, because Erinn doesn't stay up late and I've already woken her up once coming in. Today is our 1 month anniversary! I said something I shouldn't have though, because I think it was too soon. Never mind that it's how I feel. Perhaps I should have waited, even though I'm 100% positive it's true. Anyway, I'm hoping Neal will come by so I can gloat about having a SUPA FAST internet.

Song of the day ~ Buddy Holly by Weezer

Friday, August 16, 2002

Neal's a reverend now, how cool is that? Reverend Anderson, very Scandinavianish. Too bad he has no idea what his heritage is. I forgot to mention that I haven't smelled in flesh in awhile. Now I smell fertile. ANYWAY, I have only 5 more pounds left to lose! Woo!

Woo! You guys, I'm so excited! I'm going to be fertile! Well, I was supposedly fertile before but my stupid periods didn't want to be regular but I couldn't start taking my birth control until I got my next period so I've been waiting for a MONTH (it's already been 2 months since the last time) and now finally I can start and hopefully be all normal and then I won't feel infertile anymore! YAY! Although technically I will be infertile since it's going to make me not have babies but that's besides the point. The point is that I'm going to FEEL fertile.

Lately I've been obsessed with smell. Perhaps it's because I can finally breathe out of my nose without it being stuffed and so I'm getting the full effect of the world. Ok, and now I'm having phantom smells of orange... Weird. Oh wait, Neal who's 20 minutes from my house and who I'm talking to online is drinking orange gatorade and apparently our connection is so good that I can smell it.

Song of the day ~ This Place by WEAD

Thursday, August 15, 2002

UGH!!!! I'm all scared and stressed out about college! I wasn't before but now it's come upon me like the plague. Of course it didn't help that Lauren was all worried about it and talking about it. It also doesn't help that I'm leaving tomorrow at 8 freakin' AM! And that I'm going up there way early and will have nothing to do on Sunday. All this stress is making me crabby, especially since I spent all day packing. We bought a printer (finally!) but haven't tried it out yet. I had an arguement with my mom because she was being ridiculous and expecting me to knows things that I can't know. Like she asked me what the tech page said for mtu and I told her that I couldn't know because she had me at the orientation page. Then she got mad at me because I was crabby and couldn't follow her request. It's not my fault I can't read her mind. I can only read Neal's mind. Anyway, I printed out the schedule for orientation and there are all these things that don't look too fun and now I'm unhappy. I'm worried that I won't have much time to see Neal, and I'm afraid of crazy things I shouldn't be afraid of, like him forgetting about me. There are some things on the schedule that look so cryptic, like "Investigations." I'm thinking not everything is required, but it seems like we may have to go to things in groups (like Janet has to do at Purdue) and I hope I like my group. It'd be way neat if Neal was in my group, but since irony put us the maximum floors apart, I bet irony will be laughing again. Yeah, so I spent ALL DAY packing today (with a few breaks) and it was horrible because one suitcase is so freakin' heavy and it took me forever to fill it because I couldn't fit things right. I cut down on the movies I'm bringing and now I'm not bringing my game boy, which isn't such a loss. I haven't figured out what I'm wearing tomorrow or Saturday because I packed it all, so it'll be interesting. I'll have to yoink clothes from my suitcase.

My roommate tried calling me today but I wasn't home which sucks because now I'm afraid she's not going to bring something she was going to bring, so she was gonna tell me that her phone doesn't work and we won't have a phone or something. She's not showing up till Sunday I think, so I'll be lonely Saturday night but that means I get first pick of beds! WOO! Man, I feel like I have to write a lot to make up for what I'm not writing tomorrow. Anyway, I don't know if I want to join band. I thought it'd be fun joining pep band but there's pep band camp for several hours and it'll suck because that's a lot of playing and it's during cool activities. Also, there's a mud tug-o-war and I have no clothes that would be really good to get dirty in, so I don't know if I want to play. I need to talk it all over with Neal and stuff, see what he's doing.

My grandma is over right now and I don't think she's been to college, even though she's lived here all her life. She had no idea that dorms were on campus property. She thought they were like aparments. It was quite frustrating having to explain it all to her. It's also frustrating being on the downstairs computer again, because it smells like decayed crow. My dad put the dead crow in the garbage and it's smelling up the whole house and I'm SO glad to be gone tomorrow. I'm also glad to be leaving my family because Allison's piercing voice was really bothering me today, like majorly. Oh, and I tried to order my books online but it was mean and wanted to ship them and then not all of the required books were available which is just stupid, like the lab manuals. How could you not have them? Yeah, so I'm ranting a lot today.

Ok, so I'm STILL online, waiting for stupid juno to download. It's at 82% and I've never seen a slower download. I don't know it it's because of the time or day or what, but it sucks like the smell of a monkey. ARG! Anyway, I just want to say that Neal is a clothes-washing fiend, hee hee hee. Ok, I'm done being silly now. I'm going to pack while it downloads... pooey.

WOO! I'm using the internet from my second baby, my computer! It's only temporary, because we needed to activate windows (stupid microsoft) but it's still exciting. Everything I wrote previously today actually happened yesterday. I have a bad habit of doing that because I'm up so late it doesn't seem like the next day. Man, I am leaving for Michigan Tech tomorrow and I haven't even finished packing. I've barely started! I did all my clothes, which filled 1 suitcase, and that was it. Then my mom told me to do this so I was like, "Ok!" but unfortunetely I wasn't prepared so I don't have my saved buddy options and stuff on this computer yet. Oh well. Man, I don't want to continue packing. I don't want to go!!!!! Ok, so I do want to go because I get to see Neal every freakin' day (WHOOHOO) but I really don't want to start learning, especially when I have a stupid 3 hour chemistry lab and a physics lab at 8 AM. Why am I cursed with taking those classes again? I've already had chemistry TWICE! I sucked at it every time, and I'm going to suck again but there won't be any Melissa to help me and give me the right answers. I still haven't given Craig his crossword! He's been a bum all summer and hasn't returned any of my calls. If I get a chance today I'm going to go over there (once I figure out where the heck he lives) and I'm going to shove it in his face. He better appreciate it! And if he's left already, then MAN is he a bum.

I went to the allergist today and I learned that the random cuts I get are from my Rayneuds (the thing that makes me hands and feet turn blue) because they don't get enough blood. Now I don't have to wonder anymore! He also told me to stay away from stress as much as possible so that I don't mess my system. He spoke of not lying and such (which is impossible for me because I feel guilty and I'm also incredibly blunt) and he was talking about dealing with stress and depression and it made me all nervous. Later on people came over for a last shindig before I leave. We played Family Business which was WAY fun. I ended up winning, but for awhile it looked like Dustin of wussy The Purple Gang was gonna win. We were having alliances and I didn't join with anyone till the end when I convinced Dustin to betray Melissa and Lauren and he joined with me. Man, it was great. Then we played Mhing and then Dream Phone and then talked for awhile. People left then Lauren, Jessa, Neal and I talked in my room for a bit. Then Jessa left and the 3 of us talked until 12:45 when Lauren finally decided she had to leave, despite not wanting to. It was great fun though, especially when we were discussing kids and marriage and Lauren was freaked out when Neal said he'd give me the kid but he wouldn't do anything else. Then Lauren couldn't follow our conversations because Neal and I have this connection of understanding and it was pretty funny. She said she'd have to think about it for awhile to figure it out.

"Brrrr brrrrr. I'm running late." ~Melissa, pretending to have the scary music from LOTR when leaving a message

Song of the day ~ Rockafella Skank by Fat Boy Slim

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

Look what I learned:
Don't look now! Your inner superpower is INVISIBILITY! Your answers show a remarkable talent for secrecy and hidden observation slumbering someplace beneath your quiet exterior. Awaken those dormant powers, and soon you'll find yourself completely hidden from the eyes of all. Okay, it's true that invisibility can sometimes be annoying. People tend to ignore you. At restaurants it might take a while for you to be served. But don't take it personally. They don't do it out of spite. It's just that you are, after all, sometimes a little difficult to see. Don't let it get you down. In this hectic world where it seems like everybody wants a piece of your time, invisibility is your ticket to freedom. When you think about it, being invisible has all sorts of bonuses. Take, for instance, the ability to find privacy and solitude in any circumstance. Then there's the special perk of being able to sneak unnoticed through crowded rooms, easily avoiding all the annoying people you'd rather not talk to. And that's just a start — imagine strolling naked through a crowded street for laughs! You've probably wished many times that you could just disappear. Well, now you can. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, think of transparent things and prepare to be invisible.

I also forgot to say that I was chosen out of 10,000 to be a beta tester for the new online version of Age of Mythology! WOO!

I went bowling yesterday and SUCKED BUTT. I got 42, then 65, then 56. Neal was kickin' my butt with 111, and some other scores that I forget. I just remember 111 because that's our favorite number. Then we went to see Signs and that was an AWESOME movie. I liked it much, and now a new WAY COOL actor to add to my favorites list is Joaquin Phoenix. He reminded me of a American version of Orlando Bloom.

Favorite Actors
James Keith
Orlando Bloom
Elijah Wood
Joaquin Phoenix

Song of the day ~ Chase Away by TuffCat

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

OK, I was having a lot of fun taking tests at emode and I took one that told me what I was in my past life.

Come on out of your shell — in your former life you were a turtle name Gifford. The details are a bit sketchy, but we do have a brief summary based on public records: You were born in a small pond beside a saloon. Despite having an exceptionally athletic father, you seemed to prefer sunbathing and mud baths to more active pursuits. Contrary to the rumor, your favorite color was never green, but actually blue. Few people knew that you were a talented poet because most of your work was destroyed during a flash flood that swept away not only your library, but your entire community. Fortunately you had the pluck to survive, settle down, make some eggs, and live happily ever after with your wife Melinda and your 20 offspring.

Song of the day ~ For a Friend... by The Beautiful Mistake

Monday, August 12, 2002

Ok, on my last post when I said "today" I meant Sunday. Anyway, I slept till 12:30 PM today and it was sweet. I found out that I was an accident. My parents didn't want to have me but my mom stopped her pills for a month to try the "rhythm method" and it didn't work. I guess you're not supposed to have sex between a certain number of days for that method. Anyway, I was conceived at a bowling tournament. Presumably in a hotel. You'd think that I'd be a good bowler because of the circumstances, but nope. Irony had a play date with my birth.

Today church was outside and it was my last day in church. It was sooooo hot and now my legs are REALLY tan, at least for me the paley. Afterwards there was a potluck lunch and I ate SOOOOOOO much. Then we went shopping and I bought WAY too much. After playing Heroes of Might and Magic IV on my computer, we went to see 1776. I saw Mr. Jones there, my 8th grade gym teacher. He was 2 rows in front of me. All through the musical Pennsylvania was voting against independency. When they finalyl voted for, some lady a couple seats to my left shouted out "YES!!" as if she didn't know that was going to happen. I started cracking up. How could she not know the end of the play? The Declaration gets signed and we become a country! A random thing I forgot to say yesterday- Saturday I saw a dead crow in our ditch and my parents were thinking it died from the West Nile virus or whatever it's called. There was a car with the license plate SPRTDE 1 and the D looked like an O and we thought it was Spare Toe, not Sporty One. Also, a couple days ago I found out I live in the West Suburbs of Chicago, not the Northwest Suburbs. I feel so deceived, because we always take the Northwest Suburbs exit off from expressways and tollways. I'm soooo close, about 10 minutes away from being the Northwest Suburbs.

"Where's the cover?" ~My mom, looking for what page the cover was on her program

Song of the day ~ Till Then from 1776. I don't get this song. Abigal Adams says that all the New Englanders want pins. Don't they already have pins? Why would they need more? Can't they reuse the pins they have? I don't understand it.

Sunday, August 11, 2002

Song of the day ~ All Star by Smash Mouth because it's a peppy song and I'm not allowed to listen to sad songs right now.

I talked to Neal about being depressed and the whole knifeing my arm thing. It was scary, but now I feel better. I can smile now (small ones, but smiles nonetheless) and I'm not crabby. I was crabby before because I was so depressed. I'm still sad and depressed, but not nearly as much now. I'm so glad I have Neal.

Saturday, August 10, 2002

I forgot to say that John taught me how to use my gears! I never knew how, so now biking is so much easier. Also, I think I have 21 speeds but I'm not entirely sure if I calculated that right. I'm not a big bike head. I saw Annie for the last time today. She actually doesn't have a job in Minnesota- she was just visiting. I tried the new Pepsi Blue today. It's berry flavored and ok, but it makes you burp a nasty smell. I also had lots of merangue cookies which will be the death of me and the ruin of my diet. I have only 5 more pounds to go! I think my next poem is going to be an elegy. I didn't get to tell Neal because he was leaving to see a movie with Yamil so now I must wait for him to return. *sigh* I've posted a lot today.

I got up today at 10 and started taking my shower. About halfway through John (my diet buddy) arrived at my house. He was supposed to arrive at 11, but he didn't for some reason that's unknown to me. Anyway, I hurried through my shower and then we went bike riding to Taylor St. Pizza where we got some drinks and talked to Jackie. There was a car show going on, so we walked around. The cars there were AWESOME! There were hot rods and corvettes and lots of old cars. I saw a lime green one that was awesome, but I fell in love with the car next to it- a 1970 Coronet. 440 engine, automatic transmission, dice locks (neato), comfy seats, it was awesome! I hung around it for 10 minutes talking to the guy who owned it. There were only 3 cars being sold at the show, and this was one of them. It was only $3500! I wanted it SOOOOO badly. I told my parents (after my 1 1/2 bike ride) and my mom called Uncle Joe (who's obsessed with old cars) to find out about it and he said that type it worth $300, so my mom said no. However, one spring break Uncle Joe may fly in from California to help me buy a car. I can't wait! Today is going to be my last day at work, and my last day EVER seeing Annie since she has a job in Minnesota now. Yesterday was my last day seeing Ricky (he's in Canada now). I'm sad.

I'm so much trouble to upkeep. I feel bad for Neal. I wasn't cool last night... got depressed again. It was serious again. I promised I'd tell Neal, but I haven't yet because I'm waiting for him to ask. I'm putting it off since it involves him.

"If Jesus were alive he'd be dancing the macarena." ~Going Down Slow by Smack Darts
"The Son of Man prefers the mamba." ~John, in response

I just had a status war with John and it was quite amusing.

I forgot to say that I saw Jessa and she's very much alive! She also had a good session with Tony, so she's getting better! Woo! And she bought me rice candy and I got fat... but it was yummy, that and the chocolate and pizza and candy buttons.

Let's see, I spent yesterday with Neal on the hammock. My family decided to come home early. When my mom said "See you in the evening" she really meant "See you around 3:00" because she called around 2 to say they were 45 minutes away and I was like, "Ok.... now I won't be having that privacy." I didn't say that of course. Anyway, Allison gave me a bracelet that she and Laura had identical ones too, as a graduation present. I think that's the coolest thing, and I really like the bracelet. She was wearing it and she said that she was building a connection so that when I wear it I'll steal her heat. I put it on and then I was warm, which was really freaky. Work was boring. Ricky's going to Toronto and Niagra Falls, the same vacation I took last year, so I told him he HAD to visit the African Lion Safari with his kids. They'd love it. After that I called my roommate on the way to Kim's (my last time to see Janet before she leaves for Purdue) and it's sooooo weird. We both have 2 sisters (hers are older), we both are totally in love with Orlando Bloom, we like Star Wars and LOTR, and we both play flute. She's really cool and I'm glad that we get along. At Kim's we watched The Wash, which had Snoop Dogg in it, Shaq, Ludricrous, and Dr. Dre. It wasn't that great. I suggest you rent I'm Gonna Git You Sucka instead, it's much funnier. I said my goodbyes to people since I probably won't see them again. Oh, and while I was at Kim's I spilled code red on my new weezer shirt so I'm wearing one of her shirts now and mine had to soak. Luckily it all got out. She also has my Doors cd.

Song of the day ~ Over You by Modern Day Hero

Friday, August 09, 2002

Some words of advice- never paint a bathroom pink, because light reflects off of the walls and then you look red ALL the time.

Ok, now that I am refreshed a little, to continue the story of my day. Only my part was sunburned! WOO! Also, I succeeded in going through tolls without needing to open my door! YES! big accomplishment, since I was being laughed at before about it. Started the trip to the marina with a full tank and when I got there I had 3/4 left. When I left I had 3/4 of a tank and when I FINALLY arrived home I had 1/8 which means I need to get some gas. Stupid John being typical and not admitting we were lost, stupid Michelle in giving me bad directions, stupid me for not following my instincts and Kim. I haven't talked to anyone yet, but presumably they made it home. Stupid 94 being labeled as east/west when it really goes north/south. We had passed several signs for Lake Geneva, and I thought that if it hadn't been after midnight I would have gone to my family's hotel. I ate SO much last night that I basically gained back what I lost. Stupid stupid stupid hungry me obeying my eating instincts!

I had trouble sleeping last night, so it took me FOREVER to fall asleep and I kept waking up so I think I got about 5 hours of sleep in total, maybe less. Of course it didn't help that my mom called around 9:30 from Lake Geneva to tell me they were going to leave early since Allison has a really bad cold. I hope she meant only a couple hours early, because I want to enjoy my last day of an empty house, especially since Neal's coming over. Then I checked the messages and my roommate called so I have to call her back sometime. Also, my charm bracelet is in! I'm excited about that, but that means I have to drive all the way to Fox Valley mall to get it, unless Karyn decides to come over and play cards and bring it with her (since she works there). I still have Kim's twister... I've had it for over a week now and I REALLY need to return it, which I should have done yesterday but I just never did. I should just drive it over. I had to take the garbage out today, but I felt like there really wasn't enough to take out but whatever, because my dad told me to take it out so I did.

Man, it has been cold the past couple of days and now suddenly it's REALLY hot. This is insane!

Song of the day ~ Cold Love by TWOMARLOWE

Ok, I have the LONGEST story to tell of my day EVER. On my way to Janet's I stopped at Elgin High School, but first I had to go back home because I had forgotten my cell phone. Anyway, I returned my bassoon but Mr. Leff wasn't there for me to get my tape from, so he owes me $5. I asked when yearbooks are coming in, and they won't be here till the 19th which sucks because I'll be in Michigan by then so I need someone to pick them up for me. Well, we left Janet's an hour late because Andrew needed gas and Kim had to go home and get her camera. After an hour and a half (this is important, the time) we arrived at the marina. Prinke had gone ahead because we weren't speeding like she was and were going too slow. We were on the boat till 10:30, after arriving there around 2. I ate SOOOOO much that I'm sure I'm a big fat pig. It was fun, and they convinced me to go swimming in Lake Michigan which WASN'T fun because I have a phobia of bodies of water and when I entered the water I started coming close to hyperventilating. Eventually I got over it, but I wasn't too happy. Anyway, stuff happened and then we had to go home. Janet took us a crazy way there and she had forgotten some steps in the directions, so I thought I'd take the expressway like everyone else. I asked Michelle which way to go and she said, "94 to 294 to 90." I asked which directions and she said, "west and south all the way." Well, I didn't want to go by myself so I told John I could take him home since he lives closer to me than Prinke, who was originally going to drive him home. It was a mistake, because John is horrible with directions. He once was going to woodfield mall and instead he ended up in Chicago. Anyway, I ignored my instincts which got me in trouble. I was behind Kim so when she turned on 94 W I followed, but I didn't think it was right but since I don't know highways I thought nothing of it. She was stuck behind a slow truck so I passed her and kept going. And going. And going, not seeing 294. Soon we arrived in Milwaukee and I knew that was WAY wrong since we had started out in Illinois, on the border. Then I decided to take 43 S since I knew south was a good direction to go. Little did I know that 43 goes at an angle WEST so it was taking longer. We FINALLY made it to Rockford by 1:00 (it had been 10:45 when we left) so already a LOT of time had passed. From there we had caught 90 and I made it to John's house safely (after explaining to him that we live between Rockford and Chicago). Apparently people had tried to call both of us, but my cell was dead and John's wasn't on. We determined that they figured out their mistake and tried to let us know before it was too late. I eventually made it home at 2:15, which means it took a grand total of 3 1/2 hours, instead of 1 1/2. I took a look at a map and 94 only goes north/south so I don't know why the signs were labeled as east/west which really SUCKS. So, we took the north one of course because John had told me to follow Kim and Michelle had given me bad directions. I mean, really. Who would go east when you're already at Lake Michigan? There's nowhere to go from there except into the water! I hope everyone else made it home alright.

Thursday, August 08, 2002

WOO!! I have member number 3 in my Steph's Life is like a soap opera, only interesting club! It's Neal! YAY! I told him I'd mention him. He hadn't actually read my blog before, so he's doing so now and I had to make sure that I didn't give anything away (like my Master Plan). I never actually expected him to read this, even though I knew he knew about it. Now I shall find out the consequences, which so far don't seem so bad. I'm grateful to myself that I decided to be more moderate with what I write about.

Man, you know I'm bored when I keep posting and posting and posting. I just have nothing to do online anymore but chat.

Song of the day ~ Better Than Sex by TWOMARLOWE
I don't know what the heck is better than sex, but I guess there must be something since there's a song about it. If you figure out what it is, tell me.

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Mmmm..... Chocolate covered graham crackers making me fat. WHY ME? Why do I have to have be such a pig and love food so much? Then I was eating pure chocolate syrup and getting it all over me. I'm such a fatty who will have to be very careful tomorrow since I'm going swimming and I most definitely won't be wearing my bikini since I've gained weight and look like a fatty.

WOO!! I don't smell fleshy anymore!! It's because I lost a couple of the pounds I gained, so now I'm down to about 7 pounds more than I want to be. Also, I am officially on my own for 2 days! My family went to Lake Geneva a couple hours ago and aren't coming back till Friday evening, so I am alone till then. No dog, no family, just me. Unfortunetely tomorrow I won't be able to take advantage of it because I'm spending the day on Janet's boat. She promised me I'd go on it and she's finally making good. It's going to be WAY fun. It's in Wisconsin and I may have to drive people up there, which should be interesting considering I've never driven that far before alone. However, it'll be worth it. I watched the Harry Potter dvd today on my new computer and it was quite annoying to find the never-before-seen footage because I had to buy a wand and then mix some potions and other kid things before I could get to the new scenes. I had to ask Laura for help because it wasn't obvious where to find them. After that I visited Sarah at work and got some crab rangoon (yummy) and then burned her a cd (The Nightmare Before Christmas) and then that brings me up to now (other than sitting around).

Ew, it smells like skunk right now.

Have you ever noticed that people who are overweight have a distinct smell? I call it the "fleshy" smell, but Sarah says that's disgusting. It's not my fault that I have observed that! Unfortunately I smell a bit like it now (stupid 10 pounds) but on the up side, I feel busty. WOO!! Chest size is bigger! Not by much, but it's enough that I had to make it looser and now I'm on the last clasp. WOO! And when I lose these 10 pounds, I'll still be bustier. YES! Too bad I'm not actually busty. I like that word. Busty. It has a nice ring to it, just like wussy.

I'm hoping Neal will respond well to my Master Plan. I think he will, but if I do it now I'd be too hasty. I know what I want, and it's not going to change. I just don't know what he wants.

Song of the day ~ Needle In The Hay by Elliot Smith

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

I smell like flesh. It's all because I gained 10 pounds over the weekend from eating and having no time to bike ride like normal, so now I have to go on a super-don't-eat-diet. I hate it when I eat. This is the first time it meant I smelled like flesh, and it's disgusting. I don't want Neal to be disgusted like me.

I FINALLY got my computer working. My dad came home and he got the monitor to set up right, and then I spent an hour playing around with the settings.

Sarah was frustrated at me earlier because she felt taken advantage of, but now I've cleared it up with her which makes me really happy. Neal's not on yet and I feel sad because he told me to make sure I was on.

Song of the day ~ I'll Make You Mine by TWOMARLOWE

I got my new computer today!!!! I spent an hour trying to get it up the stairs and then figuring out where the heck the cd, dvd, floppy, etc drives were. Then I had to find the key to open up the place where they were hidden. Anyway, it took so long because I was only one home and had to carry 2 big and HEAVY boxes upstairs and then move the old one (the doorstop) downstairs. Now my room has no floor and my bed is a mess, so if I don't get this done today I can't sleep. Well, after that hour I connected the keyboard and mouse and then attempted the monitor. It's an lcd monitor which is way cool, but it came in the wall-mounting position. I tried to change that, but it wouldn't budge so I had to unscrew everything and try that. Unfortuntely the washers are REALLY tight and when I tried to unscrew them the metal just got messed up and marked. After spending an hour trying to change the stupid position of the monitor, I got hungry and went downstairs. I then tried to make myself a mango shake, except that the mango wasn't ripe and we had no vanilla ice cream so it ended up being a cherry shake with a little mango flavor (because I used New York Cherry ice cream). It was good nonetheless. That brings us up to now. After this I'm going to try to work on the monitor again, or just give up and move on. I was hoping Neal'd be on so he could help me, but he's a bum. He said he'd call me if he got bored and he's come over, but I've received no phone call so I'm guessing he didn't get bored. Anyway, it's back to working or perhaps riding my bike since it's cold out and it'll make me warm. I'm so cold that I'm wearing pants! In August!! It's insane, stupid low 70s. I need someone to make me warm!

Monday, August 05, 2002

"I'm shedding like a hog." ~Me

"It's the first thing that came to my head." ~Me, implying that I don't have a mind

"Look at that train going through the clouds." ~Me, meaning a plane

I didn't get to see the concert last night because it was raining and Is there a past tense for lightning? Is there a verb? Lightninged? Anyway, we waited for about an hour and then left since it hadn't let up. Anyway, I arrived safely there and we went on 3 rides for $10 which is WAY expensive. Each ride was 6 tickets!! It was fun though since my heart didn't bother me at all like it used to. It tickled a lot, like how Neal makes me tickle. It was my tickly feeling. I saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was better than I expected. I thought it was funny that it was abreviated as My Big Fat. Last night I had a dream that Jessa committed suicide. It scared the HECK out of me, but I can't talk to her since she's on vacation. My computer came today but I WASN'T HOME so they didn't leave it and I have to wait til tomorrow!!! I'm getting a charm bracelet as a late grad/early Christmas present. We talked to Karyn for a bit, which was cool. We had Arby's!!!!!!!!!!!! Yummy and now I'm fat cuz I gained 10 pounds! Stupid food.

Song of the day ~ I Think I Love You by The Partridge Family

Sunday, August 04, 2002

Liz is over right now. We're going to go to a concert! My first one! It's American English and we'll be back late so this will be probably the last you'll hear from me in awhile. I just hope I don't get lost since I've never driven to Northbrook, let alone by myself. I got several cds today- very cool. Right now I'm having fun talking to Philip with Alli and Liz. He's a weirdo. Although he did teach me that it's unhygienic, and it's spelled with 2 i's, not one. Now I'm being laughed at because I hate tolls since the one and only time I had to pay one I wasn't close enough and I had to open the door.

Do you know how weird it is to discuss marriage with your boyfriend of only 2 weeks? Very strange, let me tell you. Apparently he thinks we're going to have a girl. That confirms Lauren's suspicians and allows us to name her Violet as Lauren came up with.

Song of the day ~ Garden of Eden by ? I have no clue, but it's the version that's in the Simpsons that's played on the organ for their hymn.

Saturday, August 03, 2002

Finally, a chance to update without being distracted by people talking to me. By the way, my aim is Monk of St Spy and my yahoo is luna_the_cat and now I'm being distracted again. Anyway, Neal met my dad today and it wasn't scary at all. We went bowling and out of 4 games I sucked. 55, 100, 76, 81. Neal beat me every time, 124, 122, 96, 116. He got 9 strikes, the bum!! I got only 3 (which is still more than normal). We won sooooo many coupons for money off food, so much that we got a free pop with coupons to spare! After bowling we hung out for a bit then went to see Goldmember, which was HILARIOUS! That was my first official date ever and very nice. Neal said that when I put my hand on his arm he got cold, more proof that I'm a lizard and an energy vampire because I sucked the heat out of him and made me hot. In fact, I was hot the whole time we were together and as soon as he left I got cold. After the movie we went mini golfing and we SUCKED! While last time our scores were in the 50s, this time they were 70 and 72 with me losing. That's because we happened to go to a harder course with lots of 6s. Oh well, it was fun. Then I took him home. I was much more comfortable after yesterday and that makes me happy. I have a feeling things are going to change in a bit, to a higher level now that I'm more comfortable.

I talked to Neal about this and gave him the poem. He says that he feels almost the same way, and that his friends were bothering him because we haven't made out yet and he said that he wasn't that experienced and wasn't like them. His ex was like all the other girls and wanted to make out right away, but he wanted to take it slow. That makes me feel much better, and I was so relieved I almost cried. I guess we're more perfect for each other than I thought. I still haven't brought up the sex thing. Now I'm discussing Jessa with John, and we're talking about her problem. I love John. He's one of my best friends and so easy to talk to.

Well, today I feel like a big jerkface. Neal came over today but he was over an hour late (and didn't call to let me know) and I guess that bothered me because I wasn't as happy to see him as I normally would be. Also, it was hot today so I didn't really feel like doing anything like hugging Neal. I told him I had grand plans, but I didn't do any of them and it makes me feel hypocritical. I even wrote a poem about it. John is helping me think through this, since it doesn't make sense. Basically I feel like Neal expects more out of me than I can deliver at this time, and so I feel like I need to deliver what he expects or he won't like me anymore. I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help it. John made me promise that I'll talk to Neal about this when he comes on. There's no reason why I should feel obligated to give Neal anything, especially if I'm not ready for it. Unfortunately Neal's not on right now, which is highly unusual since he usually gets on around 9:30 or so. John is helping me gather my thoughts by role-playing. He’s Neal and I’m me. Then Neal finally came on and when I started talking to him about this he changed the subject! I also need to bring up sex, because I need to know if he expects me to have it with him sometime soon. He seemed like he wants it but I'm not ready.

Work was boring today. Sarah drew me a picture of pirate me being shirtless and saying, “Arr, I’ve lost me shirt. Arr.” My dad was asking questions about Neal and his family so he has ammo for tomorrow when we go bowling with Neal and he meets him. I told my dad that Neal’s dad makes birdcages and my dad said it sounds like his family is in the mafia and that the birdcages are just a cover. Tomorrow should be fun. Oh, and while Neal was over and we watched Shanghai Noon, the phone kept ringing and my family kept knocking on my door like they're checking in on me. That was annoying and made me crabby. I've seen 3 movies today- Memento (where I had an insight to the answers), Shanghai Noon, and then Amelie (where there was a guy who used to collect funny laughs and Sarah said, "Steph, he'd love you!").

Song of the day ~ Krwlng by Linkin Park

Friday, August 02, 2002

My mom gave me another talk today about hurrying up and having children. I don't know what her obsession is with me and babies. Aunt Linda says that my mom needs to be careful since I'm going to be alone with Neal tomorrow for several hours. Apparently we're going to have sex and I'm going to get pregnant, but I was not aware of this.

I took a Simpson's quiz and I suck! I have a very selective memory, mainly because I never was allowed to watch until a year ago (stupid mom not understanding the humor).

I finally saw Escape From L.A. and it was weird. The only cool part was the Che lookalike.

I failed at work, but I don't have many days left so it's no problem. My forehead and part are peeling from the sunburn and I look like I have dandruff. STUPID SUN!

Song of the day ~ Wide Eyes by The Beautiful Mistake

Thursday, August 01, 2002

Steph's being SOOO naughty right now. In fact... I was so naughty that I took my shirt off. Nothing happened except that Laura came downstairs and I yelled out "CRAP!" and tried to put it back on, which was hard while tangled in headphones. The stupid music made me not hear her come down the stairs. I had to make up an excuse about how I was hot but then got cold. Of course I didn't reveal the real reason I was so hot.

Song of the day ~ Wings by Sherreece